Mother's Day 2009

Today I had a wonderful day.

I spent the majority of the day by myself, with a grande white chocolate peppermint mocha, my camera, my Bible, my prayer journal, and my Esther Bible study workbook. I got up this morning, got ready, and at my husband's thoughtful suggestion headed off to the Grotto.

This plan all came about a few weeks ago. When we came to realize that this would be another Mother's day without a little one, or a pregnancy, I began to dread that the day was upcoming...

The idea of sitting through another Mother's day service at Church, where they lovingly ask every one who is a mother to stand and be acknowledged...and I am the only person with a uterus over the age of 17 still sitting...ugh. I just couldn't stand the thought of it. Society goes above and beyond to celebrate mother's today, and as well they should. Mother's day is a wonderful idea, and I certainly don't think they should stop celebrating it because of the hurts it reveals in some. Being a mother is an amazing gift, and from what I understand of it, a pretty thankless job! So I love that they acknowledge those that are privileged enough to carry the responsibility and honor of being someone's mother. I personally can't wait to stand proudly at that call one day in the future!! It's just that until that day comes...I just dread the feeling of being ostracized that it creates in my heart.

For the last two years, on Mother's day I have forced a painted smile on my face, and bit back tears as I heard poems and proclamations of the joys of motherhood. I have sucked it up and been a grown up about it because that's what I felt like I should do, and I wanted to spend time with the mothers in my life, whom I love so dearly. But this year I gave myself the year off. Call me selfish if you want, I am choosing not to care. (and if you call me selfish in a comment, I won't post it =) ).

I can not express properly how liberating it was to realize I didn't have to put myself in that situation. It was so incredibly freeing!

So I filled my backpack up and threw it over my shoulders and headed off to the Grotto, coffee in hand. I spent a long time just walking around and taking in the beauty of nature and the amazing statues and sculptures. I stood off to the side and observed a beautiful and reverent outdoor Catholic Mass. I wandered around and took deep inhales of fragrant flowers, and smiled to myself when a random bout of sunshine would suddenly warm my face.

And while I walked and observed, my mind and my heart kept up the mantra of 1 Samuel 3:10 "...Speak, for your servant is listening." I beckoned the Lord to meet me where I was today, and told Him how much I longed to spend time with the God of Wonders...

After awhile of enjoyable wandering, I found a quiet bench where I pulled out my prayer journal. I wrote for a bit, and thought for a bit, and prayed for a bit. Then I got out my Bible and my Esther homework, and proceeded to do two days worth of study...(I was a little behind, shhhh don't tell Beth =) ).


The Lord and I did a lot of talking today. He worked on some areas in me that were in dreadful need of attention.

I couldn't help but notice a constant theme about my day. First of all, at the Grotto there is much emphasis on God's turning sorrow into joy. Then when I worked on my study, I reveled in the realization that we were finishing up Chapter 8, where God turns Esther and her people's " mourning, fasting, weeping, & wailing" into "happiness, joy, gladness, & honor".

I thought about this for awhile and reflected on the areas of my life in which God is allowing an about-face reversal to occur...

I read the scripture of Psalms 40: 2-3

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."


I realized that I see God doing that right now in my life. Pulling me out of the mud and mire, and setting my feet on a Rock. I guess I hadn't even given credence to the fact that I was in the mud and mire before today... but on looking back...
I used to be so positive...so very "Pollyanna", and I hadn't even acknowledged how much of that had disappeared until I began to recognize it slowly returning to my personality. It felt so refreshing.


I realized that I have spent the majority of the last two and a half years suffering from waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop syndrome, and God has slowly been pulling me out of that mindset. I thought about when it was that the ability to try to look at the bright side and hope for the best first seemed to disappear from my life... There I was, giddy and elated...happily married, mid 20's, just completed my first trimester and finally exhaled that breath I had been holding for the first 12 weeks...life was perfect...


Shortly after we learned our baby didn't have a heartbeat, my parents 30 year marriage ended, and the house I grew up in was sold...and I felt like my childhood and all my innocence and foundation had been swallowed up and sold right along with it. My world as I had known it 6 months prior was completely unrecognizable. I had been very blessed to say I had suffered very little heartache or trauma my first 25 years of life....and then felt like I had been hit with a bundle of it all right at once.

My character became completely devoid of optimism.

But you know what I am seeing as I look back over the past few years? When God strips you of your "foundation", He allows you the opportunity to rebuild it again on the only real Solid Rock. And that, friends, is the only real immovable foundation. The only stability you can truly cling too. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He IS and WAS and IS TO COME.
Hallelujah.

I see today how He has pulled me out of the mud and mire, and has done so much more then return me to my old self, He has put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

We dug into some deep, dark corners of my soul today, and I am grateful to see the Lord opening up areas of my heart that have been closed for so long. Open to allow hope and vulnerability again. Especially as we begin a new chapter of our life. We have been referred to a specialist, and in a few weeks have our first appointment. I am equal parts nervous, excited, scared, depressed and hopeful about this new step, and I would be eternally grateful if you would be in prayer for us. Something deep inside me is forcing me to be so open and humble and ask for prayer here...I guess I would feel less alone about tackling this whole thing if I knew I had others joining us in prayer...


On that note, I will leave with you some pictures of my Mother's day, 2009. A wonderful, peaceful day, spent with my mocha and my Jesus.



Happy Mother's day to all of you out there...whether your children are in Heaven, with you here today on this Earth, or yet to be conceived.