Balance.

I need some.

Could someone please give me lessons on how to find balance??

Of course, that would mean I would need to find time to take those lessons, and I am afraid the lack of time is the very reason for needing the balance.

Curious.

Lately I am completely lacking in balance. I feel so overwhelmed, and so unaccomplished. Our calendar is completely overbooked, and I have begun viewing it as a checklist of duties. My heart and soul are busy too. I am lost in thought lately and wrapped up in so many things...so many different lives... my soul is weary and I am just plain tired.

Yet rest is slightly hard to come by lately. Last night I slept so restlessly that at some point I turned off my alarm completely. This morning I woke up and squinted at the clock, only to realize I had to be out the door in 16 minutes. Awesome. As Steven Curtis Chapman would say "the day has just begun, and I'm already running late".

My heart is in need of rest too.

One of my spiritual gifts is empathy. I feel things for other people. When someone shares with me something that they are going through, or have gone through, most of the time I feel deeply for them. I feel like I have experienced some of their heartache. It's a strange thing, empathy. It is such a blessing, and yet sometimes can feel like a curse.


There are two people in our lives that we are very close with whose marriages are both ending. Both of them have children, one set which are family and another to whom I am Godmother. My heart is just broken for them. I can not count the number of times I have wept for them recently. I have friends who are hurting, loved ones who are ill, and it just seems the burden's are plentiful lately...

Empathy is something I have always experienced. I even had a guidance counselor once tell me I should never go into a career involving counseling. "You wouldn't be able to do it, you don't have the ability to separate other people's problems from your own". He was right.

And it's not just limited to Real Life. Even the movies or a book can do it. After we watched The Passion I slept for like 10 hours that night. I was exhausted.

But before you think that in anyway noble, let me tell you it doesn't have to be a movie about the death of Christ.

The Notebook? Forgetaboutit.

I even cry every time we watch Wall-E because I feel bad he is so lonely for so long.

He is a robot, people. Issues. I have issues.

But back to real life. Back to feeling overwhelmed and under-adequate. (Yes, I made that up but it's my blog so I can do that).

I feel like I am running around a lot lately, and yet I still feel like I am letting people down left and right. I am behind on correspondence. But I have a decent reason...when I read an email and reply, I don't want to "phone it in", I want to be there. I want to really take in all that the person has said to me and think on it, then reply. I want to focus. I detest the thought of seeing myself send flippant responses to someone who means something to me, or someone who has shared their life with me. I like to quiet myself, and the area around me so that I can give it my full attention....

(There must be some raised eyebrows amongst those of you to whom I email back and forth with, as even my focused, quiet responses are still scattered and all over the place. Ha!)

Phone calls too, yesterday I was finally able to connect with my dear friend, and that was long overdue.

And the Lord, when was the last time He had all of me...for more than 5 minutes??

And then there is me. Or rather, us. We are in the middle of things too. I so long for this phase in our journey to result in a baby... but even if it doesn't, I want to at least be able to say that I was present for it. That I was HERE, in it. That I was present in my marriage, and right with my God. Those things don't just happen, they require action, thought, and time from me.

It seems that 10 months and 129 posts later, I still have far to go with this whole miracle of the moment thing.

I have a "need to do" list and a "want to do" list. I am sitting here wondering if some of my wants are actually needs...such as keeping up with friends. And perhaps some of my needs are wants...such as keeping a clean house.

Afterall, at my funeral, I don't really care if people stand up and say "oh, she had the cleanest house", or "she was so organized". I want to be looking down from Heaven to hear people say things like "she was always there for me", "we went through so much together", and "she always made time for me".

The Bible says to "carry one another burdens" and "honor your husband" and "spend time in communion with others" and yet it also talks about the need for rest, and for quiet, and for being filled.

I guess I am walking a delicate road in finding the balance between being there for others and being there for myself. Anybody else walking it too?

Is that selfish? I don't know. I struggle with that. Most the time I rationalize that if I don't take good care of myself I can't very well be there for others, but maybe that's not true. Maybe God will provide the ability to do so.

So those are my thoughts...jumbled and messy. I can't be the only one out there that feels this way... can I? Are there some of you out there that have this balance in life thing down? What do you all do to find balance? Or do you find balance?

For now I think I will spend some quiet time with the Lord, and thank Him for my day...for my job that I was late to today...for my husband whom I adore...for my home in which I am so comfortable...and for a life full of people -friends and family- to keep me so busy....I am grateful.