Our Journey

This post is long overdue.

And it's going to be a long post.

I will try and break it up into 3 sections.

The short version, the reason behind my delay in sharing, and the whole story of our journey for those interested.

The short version...

We get asked A LOT if we had any medical assistance in conceiving our twins. The answer is yes. David and I got pregnant with our son and daughter after our first round of a combination of clomid and an IUI.

The reason I took so long to write this post...

Honestly the main reason is time. I knew it was gonna be a long one, and so I just kept putting it off. It is a post that I knew would take hours, and I just haven't made the time for it. But in the back of my head, I know there is another reason I was hesitant... people's reactions.

Both David and I have been totally caught off guard by how people react to us sharing about the fertility assistance we received. Shocked, really.

We both have a high regard for being honest at all times, and so when we first started sharing our pregnancy news with people, we were completely honest and very open about our journey. And although I still fully believe honesty is the best policy, I have learned to partially guard areas of my heart that are sacred to me.

When we started announcing we were expecting twins, we found people would outright ask almost immediately "did you do IVF?" Peoples assumptions surprised me. We get that question a lot, or we get "so, did you have help?".

This question is a fair one, and it was one I found myself asking people during David and I's long journey down the road of infertility. I wanted to know people's stories. I was drawn- understandably- to people on the other side of infertility, and I wanted to know what "worked" for them. I was always curious what our story was going to end up being, and when I would hear someone else's, I would always be intrigued wondering if that was what God had in store for us as well...maybe that was the road He was going to lead us down...

And so I always vowed to be forthcoming with our entire story once we were finally pregnant. To be honest, it bugged me when people like Nancy Grace would get pregnant with twins at the age of 52 or whatever, and then when asked if she received any assistance, she would say that was a "private matter".

Now I get it.

When people -and I mean anyone, people we know and people we have never met but happen to be standing next to us in the grocery store line and overhear that we are expecting twins- ask us if we had any "help", we say yes, that the Lord blessed us via clomid and IUI.

And friends, the majority of the time we get a flat toned response of "oh, so that's how you got twins".

And just like that, our children's conception is no longer miraculous.

And that hurts my heart.


Most people who respond this way are just that, flat about it. But on several occasions people have been smug or even down right rude about it.

I have been totally caught off guard by this.

Have any of you out there who received fertility assistance gotten these reactions?

These babies are such a miracle. We tried for 3 years to start our family, and we knew the odds we were up against even with this help. We were given a 20% chance of conceiving with an IUI.

20%.

That's not exactly a percentage in your favor.

And with clomid, there is only a 10% chance of twins.


We feel so overwhelmed by God's abundant blessings to us. We feel these babies are one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us, and that their conception and this pregnancy are great and wonderful works of His Hands, and nothing short of miraculous.

And we are determined not to ever let anyone take that away from us.

We know with out a doubt that "The Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes" Psalms 118:23.


The whole story...

David and I began trying to start our family in the summer of 2006. We got pregnant after only 2 months of trying, and we were overjoyed. We miscarried that pregnancy early in the second trimester, and both struggled with grief for a long while.

Because we had gotten pregnant so quickly the first time, everyone told us that it would happen quickly again, and we assumed it would.

Months passed by, and David's schooling moved us to a new city. I found a new doctor here and at my first visit we discussed that Dave and I were trying to get pregnant. She said she understood this took some time, and to come see her again if it we got to one year trying post miscarriage.

I didn't think much about that, because I was just sure I would be pregnant by that time.

Well, I wasn't. And at that visit she ordered some minimal testing. Nothing invasive, just some lab testing for both of us.

All the tests results came back great, and she wished us well on our journey.

One of the reasons I love my doctor so much is that she herself suffered from infertility for years. She and her husband had every test run, and everything kept coming back normal. After years of this, and then finally giving up, they got pregnant on their own. She recognizes sometimes it just takes awhile. I respect that outlook.

And although I was by no means ready to go marching off to a specialist, with each month I found myself getting more and more desperate. I would spend hours online looking for "tips" and "tricks" to get pregnant. I ordered books online about fertility diets and such. I became obsessed with tracking my cycle and monitoring every little sign. It completely ran my life.

I ended up calling my doctor and asking if we could try clomid. She was fine with that, and called some in for me. I was SO excited on my way to pick up my prescription. I remember thinking "this is the answer, I just know this is going to be our ticket to pregnancy!!".

Did I pray about this decision. Yes. Did I ever get an answer? No. So I just decided to proceed on my own. If I am honest, in my heart I knew I hadn't really devoted the time in prayer about this that I should have. And while I am being honest, I think I was also trying to "go around God", if that makes any sense. It was kind of like, He wasn't making it happen for us, so I was going to take matters into my own hands.

Silly, I know. But when one is on the verge of crazy, one has crazy thoughts.

When the first month failed, I was devastated. I mean like crying on the bathroom floor devastated. I had thought for sure that was going to be the answer for us, and when it wasn't, I completely fell apart.

Not to mention that I had every single side effect in the book for clomid. I was a complete emotional mess. And really, really depressed. But, I pushed on, thinking we still had two more tries at that dosage, and then my doctor had said we'd up my dosage for another three tries.

The second month didn't result in pregnancy either, and I was in a complete downward spiral. I was so depressed both because of not being pregnant and the medication. I remember driving to a friends birthday party, and cresting over the top of this giant hill and seeing the river down below, and thinking how nice it would be to just drive into it...

I was totally aware at that moment that I had just had a suicidal thought, but I didn't really care.

Did I stop and take stock of where my life was at at that point? Where my marriage was? Where my relationship with the Lord was? No, I just kept pushing on, rationalizing that if I really wanted to be a mother I would have to be determined, and that my "dedication" (read:obsession) was out of love for my future children. What wouldn't I do for them??

When the third month came and went with no pregnancy, I realized I pretty much had to face facts. This was not working, on many levels. I was a train wreck. David and I were handling it completely differently, and he felt miles away. Well, to be fair, everyone felt miles away. I realized I never prayed about anything else. Not only did I rarely pray for other people, but even my prayers for myself were completely focused on just begging the Lord to give us a child.
My hormones and emotions were completely out of control, and I knew in my heart that upping my dose of clomid was honestly going to be dangerous.

I finally decided to spend some honest time with the Lord. Time where I just worshipped Him, sat before Him and listened to Him. Time where the only thing I asked of Him was to tell me what He would ask of me.

After awhile, I heard it. Not audibly, but clear as day.

"Let go."

I remember crying and saying "But Lord, I can't! I want to be a mother more than anything else in this world!!!"

"Not forever Kendra, just for now."

It was tender, but sure.

I knew that I had the choice to ignore this and continue pursuing anything and everything to reach my "goal", but it would be in vain.

So there began a season of letting go. I put everything fertility related in a drawer, and closed it.

It was actually quite freeing.

I spent the next 6 months just falling back in love with the Lord, and trying to find contentment in the life He had given me. David and I made the best of enjoying our life without children...going out to dinners, sleeping in on weekends, and planned our trip to Hawaii.

This was a really special time in my life. I was just telling my sister the other night that I felt like the Lord took me on a "divine romance" with Him. He revealed to me many areas of my heart that needed healing and needed to be changed. There were many dark areas I was not proud of, and it wasn't easy facing them, but He was with me all the way. And although I am not saying He is in any way done with me, I really felt it was a turning point in my life.

I also learned to love Him in a whole new way. He became my greatest confidant. I learned how deep the level of comfort and peace was when I really bared my soul to Him and let Him in to bring healing and contentment.

My desire to become a mother was still there, but it wasn't the end all, be all of my goals. I was working on letting Him lead, and just following where He sent me.

I still am working on that =).

As the new year was coming closer, I knew my annual follow up with my doctor was due, and I knew she would ask about how we were doing fertility wise. I began to pray and ask the Lord if it was time to "pick things back up again". When I felt his blessing, I made my appointment and discussed it with my doctor. We both agreed it was time to pursue some more invasive testing.

She sent me for testing to see if my tubes were clogged, which they were not. And an ultrasound to check out things out as well, and all was normal. She also drew more lab work, and again it all came back normal.

We were told to "just keep trying".

Then randomly the next month I had a really weird cycle, and called her about it. She drew more labs, and my progesterone came back really low. She then referred us to a specialist.

To be honest, I had a hard time with this. I felt like I was broken or something. Really? We needed "special help?" A regular doctor couldn't even help us?

But, we prayed about it and knew it was time. We went in and had our consultation, and we were officially diagnosed with "unexplained secondary infertility". Secondary because we had been pregnant before.

Our specialist drew more labs, and this time my progesterone came back totally normal, as it always had before.

To this day, I wonder if that was the Lord's way of directing us to a specialist.

The only thing that came back slightly off was my prolactin (a hormone nursing mothers have in abundance) came back elevated, albeit only a little bit.

When we had our follow up appointment, the doctor recommended I take a medication to lower my prolactin, and that we try 3 rounds of clomid and IUI's. I was nervous to try the clomid again because of my past experience, but when we talked more about it, I became more open to the idea, recognizing that my mind and my heart were in a different place this time.

He recommended we try 3 cycles of this combo, and if those did not result in a pregnancy that he suggested we move on to IVF.

David and I both knew IVF would not be for us. We have seen the Lord do miraculous things through IVF for many people. But for David and I, we just knew we would never have the money, and also that the Lord had not released us to pursue it. We both just had a stop in our hearts when it came to that step, and therefore knew it was not where He was leading us.

So we made a decision to go ahead with the clomid and IUI's. Both of us were at peace with that step, and I knew that was no coincidence. We decided that we would go as far as the three cycles, and if we were still not pregnant at the end of those, we would begin the adoption process. There was an extreme peace at "casting our lots" within the bounds of where the Lord was allowing us to go. I knew that it would be hard to accept if all three cycles failed, but at least I could say with a pure heart that we had gone as far as the Lord had allowed us too, and that it just wasn't His will for us at that time. And we could start the journey to adoption without questions of what our "other" options were.

I started the clomid and surprisingly had none of the side effects that time. Not a single one. We went in for the IUI, and instead of feeling all "medical", as I had once feared it would, it was actually a really special day. Both David and I were smiling and so full of hope. I will always remember after the procedure was over (which the whole thing took like 3 minutes), the nurse left and David and I just prayed. We asked the Lord to bless this process with a baby, and if that was not His will, that He would help us to trust Him and love Him anyways.

We handled the two week wait pretty well, staying busy and trying not to think about it. We had planned a camping trip months before, having not had any clue at that time that we would be post IUI waiting on results.

The day before I took the test though, was a different story. I was so, so nervous. I remember just bursting into tears several times that day. I felt so much pressure, and I remember spending a lot of time that day on my knees before the Lord both begging Him to please let this be the time, and also begging Him to hold me if it wasn't.

We both found ourselves wide awake at like 4:45am the next morning, and agreed it was time. I took the test, didn't look at it, and came back to the bedroom to sit and stare at my husband as we both watched the clock. Very soon enough time had passed, and I walked back into the bathroom and picked the test up.

Pregnant.

It read pregnant.

I burst into tears, walked the test back into my beloved, and said "we're pregnant!!" and he said "let me see that!" It was as if after so many years, he had to see it for himself.

Such a joyous morning for us, one that will always have a special place in my heart.

It was a Sunday, and when we got to Church that morning we decided to share our news with our Sunday school class. It felt a little strange to share it with them before we shared it with our family, but oh how I hope you all have a representation of the family of God in a Church like we do. Even though we shared our news at the very end of class, they all stopped immediately and prayed for us and our pregnancy. And they vowed to continue to lift us up in prayer, and they have.

We went in at 6 1/2 weeks for our first ultrasound, and found out God had blessed us with not only one beautiful beating heart, but two.

Probably my favorite day ever.

Even though we have had several ultrasounds since then, and have loads and loads of pictures as a result, the picture from that day will always be my favorite. That was the first time I ever saw our children.



So that is our journey to our twins. It was a long one, but worth every second. Worth every tear. The things that the Lord did in our lives while we were on this journey are irreplaceable. I know it's easy to say now that we are pregnant, but I am even grateful for the journey, and the heartache that accompanied it.

During the time where I "let go", and let God in, He did a great amount of work in my heart. I am a better wife for it. I am a better Christian for it. And I will be a better mother for it.

People tell me all the time that I am the "happiest pregnant woman" they have ever met. I don't know if that is truth or if they are just being polite, but I will say I have never been happier. Ever. I (most of the time =-) ) can't find room in my heart for complaint when it comes to heartburn, or discomfort, or anything like that because I am just so honored to get to experience this gift.

One of the neatest and most surprising things about this process has been how different I feel now. Good different. Delightfully different. I have never felt more like myself. People who are familiar with the fertility world are often surprised that we got so blessed our first cycle, and we were too. But I feel that was a special gift from the Lord right to my heart. After years of feeling like a failure... like a barren, infertile, lost cause...within one months time, I got to feel like an extremely fertile woman =).

Thanks be to God.

Please feel free to ask me anything you would like about any of this. My email address is located under my "view my complete profile".

I know I took forever to write this, again mainly because I knew it was going to be a novel, but I do very much want to share it. I pray that it glorifies the Lord, and that it offers some encouragement to anyone else still on the journey. If you are struggling with infertility, and would like to prayer or just want to talk, please contact me. I am forever indebted to all the people who have prayed for us, and it would be an honor to do the same for someone else.