For Such A Time As This

As I blog about often, I am currently in the process of doing the Beth Moore Biblestudy, Esther, it's tough being a woman.

To say I am loving this Biblestudy would be the understatement of the year.

I agree fully with Mimi's plea, if you ever have the chance to do this study, run, don't walk to sign up.

I am only in the 4th week, and it has no doubt been a life-changing study for me.
As we watched last week's video, I bit back tears the entire time. On the way home, I let the tears fall as I reflected on Beth's words and thanked my Jesus for where He has me.
In our study we just finished up where Mordecai is pleading with Esther to go before King Xerxes and beg him to spare the lives of the Jews. He says to Esther: "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

In a few short weeks, I am turning 28 years old. Am I where I thought I would be at age 28? No. I had different plans for sure. I was supposed to be happily married (Check!) living in a cute little home that we owned and were settled in for years to come (no check) and working on our 3rd child (BIG FAT no check here).

You see, my tears fell the other night because I feel I am beginning to get it. I am finally realizing that although I am not at all where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I am exactly where God wants me. For such a time as this.
The tears fell in remorse for not seeing God's handiwork fully (or as close to fully as our human eyes can see) until now.

For the last two and a half years, I have felt the reoccurring theme in my mind is "this is not how things are supposed to be..." I have told God a hundred times over "DON'T YOU KNOW!?! THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO GO!!!"
The last two and a half years have involved me becoming familiar with terms and phrases such as "blighted ovum", "viability", "second trimester miscarriage", "infertility", and they have also included my becoming even more familiar with words such as "depression", "fear", and "hopelessness".

Let me be clear, this is not a post to announce a pregnancy (please keep praying!!!!), this is a post written as a love song to my Savior, announcing that I can finally and proudly proclaim... I GET IT. I am right where I am supposed to be.

It was not my plan, but I am so grateful it was His.

Because of what He has allowed in my life, I have been stretched and pulled far from my comfort zone. I have been broken down to a point where I had nothing left but transparency...which is what God had required all along. I am learning that transparency in your own life is one of the most effective ways to make a difference in someone else's.
Through the trials God has allowed in my life, He watched patiently as I fought with all my might and exhausted all my possibilities on my own....and came to the end of myself. THAT is what drove me to the foot of the cross.
A place I don't think I had ever really been before.
You see, I was so blessed to have been raised in a Christian home. We attended the same loving, family oriented church my entire life, until David and I moved to Portland. I went to a Christian summer camp pretty much every summer I can remember, and asked Jesus to come into my heart at that very summer camp when I was 7 or 8. I was baptized young, and I to this day my dad still sends me a card on the anniversary of my "rebirth" (the day of my baptism). I spent my teenage years attending youth groups and youth Bible studies, and my young adult years volunteering at youth groups and attending Women's Bible studies. My point to all this is I cannot remember a time in my life where I didn't know about God.

I am so blessed in that way.

But something has been greatly transformed in my life over the last two + years... or really, in the last 6-12 months. God has begun a sanctification process in me that has blown my mind. As I mentioned above, I have always known about God, but now I feel like I know God. I know His voice. I know His presence. I know Him. And had we been given the gift of a successful pregnancy resulting in a precious child 2 and a half years ago, we would have been blessed for sure. BUT, because He has orchestrated things differently, I have been blessed beyond measure.
I get it now. I understand what people are talking about when they say Christ has absolutely changed their life. I have always known about Him, and always loved Him, but it seems my faith and understanding of Him has changed from that of a child, to that of an adult...and adult who is still trying to have child-like faith. My faith has matured, and I am forever grateful.

My tears fell as I experienced both sorrow for my inability - or more accurately, my unwillingness- to trust His hand, and with gratitude for His patience with me as I tried to fight the process with everything in me. I cried with remorse for the countless times I have been angry at God and told Him that this wasn't how things were supposed to be. I cried for allowing myself to feel gypped and slighted for years as I pitied my circumstances. And I cried tears of thankfulness....of sheer joy and gratitude that He never gives up on me, and that He always wants so much more for me than I do.

I would be a fool to think that He is anywhere near done with me. I realize there is so much more work in my heart and my life to be done. But I sit here today, grateful for the realization that things are exactly as they are supposed to be, and eternally grateful for a Father who wants me to know just that.

For such a time as this.