...it's burning at both ends again! And yet I am blogging?? I know, I know...that would seem contradictory. If I am "so busy", then how is it I have time to blog?
The truth is, I really don't, but I am making time. I have so much in my head that needs to come out so I can clear some space.
This week has been a stressful one, and my mind feels a jumbled mess.
Lately I feel like I can't find my footing, and I am always one or two or twelve steps behind where I need to be.
Lately I have not been getting enough sleep.
The past 2 weeks have involved me chatting with one too many first time moms who are shocked to hear my babies still aren't sleeping through the night, because their babies "magically fell" into a perfectly predictable routine that included sleeping 10-12 hours at night around 3 months.
Good for them. (no, I am not jealous at all, why do you ask?)
This past week has involved us trying to keep our babies up just a little later each night. Why you ask? Well because their Momma is an idiot. Earlier last week I noticed our calendar said "Daylight Savings time ends" this Sunday. So, we had been trying to keep them up just a little later each night in preparation of this hour gain in an attempt to avoid them waking up for the day at 4:30am. It's been a less than fun experiment. Then on Thursday Dave and I were talking about how it seemed like it was early this year to be doing this, and again I checked the calendar. That's when I noticed that next to the note about Daylight Savings, it also had the initials "NZ". New Zealand. It's Daylight Savings time in New Zealand. It's not in the US until November. Shoulda given that calendar a second glance the first time. Lesson learned.
This week has included a trip to the pediatrician for Luke because I was just sure he had an ear infection. He had all the symptoms - extremely fussy, runny nose, really poor nursing...according to WebMD it was either an ear infection or lead poisoning.
Turns out it was neither.
According to my beloved pediatrician, Luke has just a cold, is teething, and is perhaps on a bit of a nursing strike...grrr... I have worked SO hard to nurse these babies, the idea of fighting through a strike just exhausts me...but I am going to.
Dr. M also suggested that perhaps my sweet, loving, cuddly, incredibly tolerant little boy was perhaps just experiencing a temperament change.
Um, that's not really going to work for me.
I would like one RX for my sweet easy going boy back please.
Stat.
What is so unsettling about this feeling over being overwhelmed lately is that this week I cut back my hours at work, ya know, to give me more time.
I cut back from working 20 hours - 5 days a week, 4 hours a day, to working 15 hours - 3 days a week, 5 hours a day.
This all came a few weeks ago on one of those days where I had spent the entire morning getting me and Luke and Abbey changed, fed, dressed, and out the door to a baby shower (no small feat), then rushed back home to nurse them and change for work and practically toss them into my sister Natalie's open arms and then dash off to work...only to arrive 12 minutes late.
When I got home, we fed the babies, bathed them, and they went to bed.
I felt like I had barely seen them all day.
I felt like I was giving everything only part of me.
I told the Lord that day that I wished in my heart I could be home more, and that I didn't know how that was possible, but that I was laying my request at His feet and asking Him to do with it what He willed.
The very next day David got an email about a new job.
Short story long, we prayed about it and took a giant leap of faith.
He took the new job, and I told my boss I needed to cut back.
The faith part is trusting that God will continue to provide for us... the way He always has in the past. This change meant that I would no longer be eligible for benefits at my work, so David and I need to find a private insurance for the two of us (the babies are still fully covered).
Any tips on cheap, great health insurance plans are most welcome.
(I feel like I may as well have just said "anyone who wants to show me a pot of gold, a unicorn, and BigFoot, please go ahead")
This new teaching position at a local college for David is also a term-by-term agreement based on enrollment. The classes he is teaching have always had great enrollment in the past, so we have good reason to believe it will be stable income...but it's still a risk. But ultimately, what job isn't these days?
So that's what in my head. Feels good to get it out. Now I will just focus taking each day at a time. I will try and start my day off by making time to read my Bible, just like I make time to shower or drink a cup of coffee. I will research health insurance and pray for wisdom to select a good plan. I will try and not let my messy house bother me. I will quit trying to keep my babies up past their natural bedtime (at least until November). I will try and get to bed earlier myself. I will try and avoid conversations with mothers who make caring for infants sound like the easiest job in the world. I will try and remind myself that most of the time, I really am doing the best I can.
And I will continue to make time to blog, because it is really therapeutic sometimes.
The truth is, I really don't, but I am making time. I have so much in my head that needs to come out so I can clear some space.
This week has been a stressful one, and my mind feels a jumbled mess.
Lately I feel like I can't find my footing, and I am always one or two or twelve steps behind where I need to be.
Lately I have not been getting enough sleep.
The past 2 weeks have involved me chatting with one too many first time moms who are shocked to hear my babies still aren't sleeping through the night, because their babies "magically fell" into a perfectly predictable routine that included sleeping 10-12 hours at night around 3 months.
Good for them. (no, I am not jealous at all, why do you ask?)
This past week has involved us trying to keep our babies up just a little later each night. Why you ask? Well because their Momma is an idiot. Earlier last week I noticed our calendar said "Daylight Savings time ends" this Sunday. So, we had been trying to keep them up just a little later each night in preparation of this hour gain in an attempt to avoid them waking up for the day at 4:30am. It's been a less than fun experiment. Then on Thursday Dave and I were talking about how it seemed like it was early this year to be doing this, and again I checked the calendar. That's when I noticed that next to the note about Daylight Savings, it also had the initials "NZ". New Zealand. It's Daylight Savings time in New Zealand. It's not in the US until November. Shoulda given that calendar a second glance the first time. Lesson learned.
This week has included a trip to the pediatrician for Luke because I was just sure he had an ear infection. He had all the symptoms - extremely fussy, runny nose, really poor nursing...according to WebMD it was either an ear infection or lead poisoning.
Turns out it was neither.
According to my beloved pediatrician, Luke has just a cold, is teething, and is perhaps on a bit of a nursing strike...grrr... I have worked SO hard to nurse these babies, the idea of fighting through a strike just exhausts me...but I am going to.
Dr. M also suggested that perhaps my sweet, loving, cuddly, incredibly tolerant little boy was perhaps just experiencing a temperament change.
Um, that's not really going to work for me.
I would like one RX for my sweet easy going boy back please.
Stat.
What is so unsettling about this feeling over being overwhelmed lately is that this week I cut back my hours at work, ya know, to give me more time.
I cut back from working 20 hours - 5 days a week, 4 hours a day, to working 15 hours - 3 days a week, 5 hours a day.
This all came a few weeks ago on one of those days where I had spent the entire morning getting me and Luke and Abbey changed, fed, dressed, and out the door to a baby shower (no small feat), then rushed back home to nurse them and change for work and practically toss them into my sister Natalie's open arms and then dash off to work...only to arrive 12 minutes late.
When I got home, we fed the babies, bathed them, and they went to bed.
I felt like I had barely seen them all day.
I felt like I was giving everything only part of me.
I told the Lord that day that I wished in my heart I could be home more, and that I didn't know how that was possible, but that I was laying my request at His feet and asking Him to do with it what He willed.
The very next day David got an email about a new job.
Short story long, we prayed about it and took a giant leap of faith.
He took the new job, and I told my boss I needed to cut back.
The faith part is trusting that God will continue to provide for us... the way He always has in the past. This change meant that I would no longer be eligible for benefits at my work, so David and I need to find a private insurance for the two of us (the babies are still fully covered).
Any tips on cheap, great health insurance plans are most welcome.
(I feel like I may as well have just said "anyone who wants to show me a pot of gold, a unicorn, and BigFoot, please go ahead")
This new teaching position at a local college for David is also a term-by-term agreement based on enrollment. The classes he is teaching have always had great enrollment in the past, so we have good reason to believe it will be stable income...but it's still a risk. But ultimately, what job isn't these days?
So that's what in my head. Feels good to get it out. Now I will just focus taking each day at a time. I will try and start my day off by making time to read my Bible, just like I make time to shower or drink a cup of coffee. I will research health insurance and pray for wisdom to select a good plan. I will try and not let my messy house bother me. I will quit trying to keep my babies up past their natural bedtime (at least until November). I will try and get to bed earlier myself. I will try and avoid conversations with mothers who make caring for infants sound like the easiest job in the world. I will try and remind myself that most of the time, I really am doing the best I can.
And I will continue to make time to blog, because it is really therapeutic sometimes.
11 comments:
I'm a blog stalker - have to get that off my chest. I happend apong your blog over a year ago and have kept up with it since my son was born within a week of yours.
I just have to let you know while this baby does happen to be a sleeper...he's the first of my three. My daughter was almost a year before sleeping through the night. My husband and I went round and round about it because I just couldn't let her cry and he heard everyone else with younger kids sleeping through the night.
My other son, well I think I just went into it saying if he sleeps through the night great but prepared myself for another year of no sleep.
For the longest time I thought it was becasue they were BF and I think that did have something to do with it but ultimately ever kid is just different!
Hats off to you with the twins - I can't even imagine! Keep up the good work!
All I'm gonna say is, I'm right there with you; I love you; and I'm praying for you.
(I'm also up in the middle of the night, too, though Seth was a "magic STTN" baby. Erin -- not so much. Oh, well. More time to love, feed, and rock.)
You certainly have a lot on your mind right now. Let me send a little encouragement your way... my daughter did not sleep through the night until she was OVER a year old. I felt pressured to do "cry-it-out" with her just because I had heard so many people say it worked and I was tired of getting up so much at night. We tried it and she cried for 3 hours straight, till it was time to eat again.
So don't let anyone make you feel bad that they do not sleep through the night. My Bailey is turning 2 in December, and she is probably one of the best sleepers I know now. We were just patient with her and let her take her time in learning how to sleep through the night. Your precious babies WILL get there eventually.
I would just try to remember, while I was awake at night with her, how incredibly thankful I was that she was healthy and for just the fact that God had blessed me with her. Hang in there!
Thank you for this post! I've felt the same this week- "I felt like I was giving everything only part of me." I work 40+ hours a week teaching kindergarten and am spread so thin, I'm afraid you'll soon be able to see right through me. Twins are just not like one infant, period. And no one gets that unless they've been there. And I'm there. Oh, and my boy twin still gets one MOTN feeding, and he's 6 1/2 months old. Hang in there!
Kendra! I cannot even imagine how challenging raising twins would be, and to work as well. Praise God that you were able to cut back. I will be saying a prayer for you sweet friend!
Kendra, I can't imagine how much you have on you. There have been several days when I've been overwhelmed with just one little guy, and I don't even have a job (though keeping Matty in one piece can be hard work sometimes!) to worry about. I'm so sorry about all of that.
I don't know if this will make you feel worse, but Matty is nineteen months old and just started sleeping through the night about two weeks ago. We've done so much training by the signs of the zodiac, which sounds really creepy, and in general we're not into that sort of thing. But anyway, Matty was HOOKED to his paci, and when we decided it was time to be done with it, we waited until the signs were in the knees (that's where it has to be for baby training) and it was the most gloriously easy thing. I would have never imagined that it would be as easy as it was. He fussed for about two minutes, and that was it. Seriously. This time, we tried sleeping through the night several (trillion) times before, and we decided to try again by the signs. Then, my husband asked me to make an appointment with our chiropractor, and the next appointment they had available was on the first day of the knees. Matty had his first adjustment, and he's been sleeping like a log ever since.
Well, not ever since. But this morning he slept until ELEVEN. I'm so serious.
I know some people have problems with chiropractors, and I totally get that. It's just a suggestion. I hope I haven't made it worse, but I know what it's like for moms to tell you that their child did it on their own, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, it worked for us. Just thought I'd share.
And yay for Dave's new job. And yay for less of yours. :)
You and David are doing a great job as parents. It's overwhelming. But, that's what parenting feels ike. You're still doing a great job.
LOVE,
GRAND DAD
((Hugs)) to you! There's nothing worse than a baby that doesn't feel well. Poor Luke! Even worse when there isn't some kind of medicine that can make that better.
Praise that you're able to spend more time with your babies! God is so good, he knows what we need, and answers the desires of our hearts, even when we don't know how to articulate them.
I am still praying for you and the sleeping. It's so very hard, isn't it? There's just no easy answers. I'm so dreading the time change. It's very wise of you to ease your babes into it slowly. I think I'll take a lesson from you and try to do the same thing with our girls.
Love the Beth Moore quote!
Glad you were able to reduce your hours a bit. Hopefully, that will give you just the edge you need to feel like you are back in control -- as much as you can ever be in control as a parent. Trust your instincts -- yours are great!
Love, Aunt Carol
Kendra,
<> to you! I totally understand the "I felt like everything was only getting part of me!" You took the words right out of my heart and mind. Hang in there. Praying you will settle into a routine soon. :) Lana
Breaks my heart to hear how stressed you are. Please don't feel you can't "complain" just because you waited so long to be a mom. I would have cracked weeks ago and I raised 5 of you. You ARE super woman..but no one gave you the cape.
On another note....I understand the Executive Membership with Costco has a health insurance membership option. Does anyone know anything about that?
love, mom
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