Doing some thinking...

My sister Amanda , posted this yesterday. Phyllis emailed it to her, noting she had thought of me, my sister, and all parents when she saw it. Thank you Phyllis, it really touched me.
Everybody take a minute and go read it...I'll wait here...=-)

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Wasn't that beautiful?? I feel it was just another nudging on my soul from the Lord. I have heard Him telling me a lot of the same thing lately...that children are a gift from Him.
I know, you'd think I would have known that already.
What can I say...I am hard headed.
But the thing is, even though I had heard that verse a hundred times, I don't think I ever fully grasped it until recently.

You see, I have been humbled so much by this realization lately...I do not deserve a baby.

Ugh, those are hard words to type.

But it's the truth, I do not deserve to be a Momma. It is not something I can earn. I am not worthy of it, never will be.

I have struggled with being in the habit of thinking that I am a "good" person. And "good" people deserve to be parents.
Looking back, I think that's one of the things that shocked me the most when our miscarriage happened. I didn't even realize it until later, but something I struggled with so much was that I felt it was all so unjust. How could that have happened to us? We had it all planned out, all our ducks in a row... we had been married 2.5 years, had a 4 door car, a savings account, and we trusted in the Lord. Sounds like a perfect couple to bless in my mind!!
*If anyone is still reading this blog after that admission of my horrible, selfish pride, please rest assured knowing that the Lord has spent the last two years humbling me.*

Thank you Lord, for teaching me humility, and for being gentle with me during the process.

He knew that I have been in desperate need of this humility, because the truth is, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve His blessings. Any of them. The ones I have had, the many I currently have, and the many I will receive in the future.
The reality is I am a sinner.
What I deserve is an eternity spent in Hell.

But -by the grace of God alone -not only am I spared an eternity in Hell, I have been so blessed in my earthly life as well.

The realization and acceptance of such things has come as both a burden and relief.
It seems a burden to acknowledge that I do not deserve this blessing and in fact may not receive it. And at the same time it's a relief to know there is absolutely nothing I can do to earn it. It's in God's precious hands...


With all this type of thinking, and then with Heather's post about the miracle of Mary's immaculate conception, it seems fitting to end this post with my very favorite Christmas song.
Enjoy...