My first ramblings of 2011

I still have a Christmas post or two I want to blog about, both because I want to post pictures for family and friends to see, and also because this is pretty much the only "baby book" I keep, and I want to preserve memories for David and I and our children. But since I haven't even finished downloading all our pictures yet, and my mind is a jumble of thoughts, I figured what better way to clear some space in my head then to ramble on my blog =).

I have close to 1,892 pictures to post(ok not really, but it may as well be! Ha!), and no less than 5 blog posts "started" in my mind, including a New Years Post full of reflections and resolutions. But I have been lacking the desire to do anything about either. And just when the desire does show up, free time does not.

Something hard about love, love, loving the Holidays is you can feel sad, sad, sad when they are over. And this year I experienced some post-Christmas blues for sure. It's not that Christmas wasn't wonderful (because it was) or that I wished for something different (because I don't), it's just that undecking the halls and a calendar suddenly void of fun family functions and things to look forward to can make one blue. I recognized it right as we headed back home Christmas day, and then it went away for a bit as my sister Emily came to visit and ring in the New Year with us. Then, on Monday when she left, I cried as she drove away.

I should add that another big thing that contributed to my tears on Monday was the twins' 9 month check up. They are FINE by the way, it went great. It's just that as we were leaving our ped said "ok, see ya at their 1 year appointment!" and I said "oh, we won't be seeing you for awhile then" to which she replied "actually, that's in just 3 more months."

I'm sorry, what did you just say????

My babies are not going to be babies in just three. short. months?????

Um, I don't really know if I am ready for that.

I find myself in this really strange place the last couple of days...both grateful we have come so far and sad it's going so fast. Does that make sense? Our early days with the twins were the very hardest of my life. The other day I was randomly reading back through my blog and stumbled across this post. I broke out in a cold sweat just reading about it. (By the way, I must have popped one of my "happy pills" left over from my c-section before I wrote that post, because seriously I sound so light hearted about the whole thing, and that was NOT the case. I have never been more exhausted in my life, and the fact that it would take over an hour to get the babies settled AFTER nursing for 40+ minutes only to know that I was going to have to do it all again in less than an hour was, I believe, the very definition of maddening). The first 6 months felt like an absolute blur...yes, things got MUCH easier at the 3 month mark (as so many of you had promised it would), but I guess it took David and I some time to recover still =).

Then we had November, which seriously felt like an entire month of illness for our household.

Both David and I have found ourselves saying recently things like "the dust has settled" and such. Make no mistake, Luke and Abbey are certainly keeping us plenty busy, but I guess we finally feel like we have a bit of a routine, and we are getting more sleep at night (and this girl could not be more grateful), and we are feeling more familiar in this role of a family of four.

Over the Christmas break (David is a college teacher, so he got almost 3 weeks off for break...glory, glory, hallelujah) we did some serious "winter cleaning" and de-cluttered our house significantly. This included packing up numerous "infant" things (the boppies, the baby bath, etc) and passing them on to friends who are expecting. I had a harder time with that then I saw coming.

I guess the thing is, I do not wish for those early days back. They were so difficult I could cry just thinking about them. But I am sad they are gone.

Sometimes I get down own myself, wishing I would have handled them better and been more calm, more patient, more knowledgeable, more willing to give of myself, had more energy, managed better on such little sleep,...etc, etc. But then I just have to stop that line of thinking and remind myself I truly did the very best I could. One thing you will never, ever hear me tell a brand new mom is "enjoy every moment!" Why? Because some moments just aren't enjoyable. Bottom line. And (well-meaning, to be sure) people told me that all the time, and all it did was make me feel SO guilty when I was struggling to "enjoy" some of the harder times.

I did enjoy the good parts.

And I am enjoying so many things about right now.

Luke and Abbey are at SUCH a fun stage currently. They are SO busy and really like us to play with them and/or entertain them, so they can be exhausting for sure, but their personalities are becoming so much more apparent, and it is AWESOME to watch.

And a lot of things are getting easier. Like the other day I was sitting on the couch holding Abbey and she was fussing and I said "do you want to nurse?" and signed "nurse", and she stopped fussing, smiled at me, and assumed the position. Communication? What a HUGE change this will bring to our life.

And they are playing together more, which is so fun to watch. And it warms my heart like nothing else.

And they are giving us kisses, unprompted.

And they are waving Hello and Goodbye.

And they are belly laughing.

And babbling.

And saying Ma-ma and Da-da.

And I am not ready for this stage to fly by like every other one has.



So, I will do my best to take in the good moments, and really be present in them. Because I before I know it, I will be writing my first post of 2012.

The last few nights, instead of tandem nursing the twins before they head to bed like I normally do, I have taken them one by one into our bedroom (David stays out in the living room with the other) to lay down and nurse and snuggle and have some one on one time before bed. It's been so special. If we would have just had one baby, we would have co-slept. But it's just not practical with twins. And that's ok, I'd choose the twins =).

I am trying to take deep breaths and slow down. Drink in this time in my life. Not care so much about my to-do lists until it's time to focus on them. Be on my computer less. Find -no, make - more time to listen to the desires of my heart.

My New Years resolution is to be kinder to myself. May seem like a strange one, but really, I think it's what's best for my family. It hit me today when I had an afternoon of alone time. Dave and I's Christmas present to each other was to plan a morning, afternoon or evening "away" for the other person for $40 or under. He sent me a few different, delightful little places this afternoon, and I did my best to slow down and enjoy each stop. I had to work hard on my way to the first place to remind myself that I am not in control of what goes on while I am away. I am not "holding things together" for my family by worrying about them while I am gone. In fact, if I spend all my time away from them worrying about them, then I return to them just as harried or exhausted as when I left, because I was clenched the entire time I was gone. This doesn't do anyone any favors.

I realized today that I tend to lean towards a Martyr Mommy mentality. Before I was a Momma I thought that it was a Mothers job (or at least, a good Mom's job) to be nothing of herself, but to live only for her children. To meet their needs. To worry about them constantly. To always be thinking about them and doing things for them. And to never do anything for herself, because whatever it was -time, money, energy -could be spent on the children. Sacrificial at all costs.

Well, to an extent that is true. Part of the above description is just plain Motherhood. But ya know what? It doesn't have to be that way alllll the time. And ya know what else? I am a much better Momma when I have had some time to myself. Today, after 3 hours away, I returned to my family so happy and excited to see them. And so ready to be 100% there to meet any one's needs, because I myself was refreshed.

Also, I want to raise kids who see the value in not only taking care of others, but taking care of yourself too.

This time didn't just "happen" this afternoon, it was scheduled and planned for. I need to be better about doing that, even if it's just 10 minutes a day where I sit on my living room floor and stretch.

Another thing that I need to be better about making time for is quiet time with the Lord. THAT is something I know will help me be the best Momma I can to my kids. It's one of the few things in life that really centers me...quiet time before my God. And it's something my soul has been desperately missing lately.


I want to say something here that I've wanted to say for awhile, but have never known quite how to. It's something that I feel needs to be said so delicately, and I've feared I don't have the right words...but here goes anyway...

When "blue" times wash over me, like they did the last few days, I find myself genuinely surprised that they are still an occurrence in my life. After our miscarriage, and during the following years of infertility, it was too easy to think "once I have a baby, my life will be complete". I thought that becoming a mother meant that every dream I had would come true, and I would never be sad or feel empty ever again.

And that is just not true.

Please hear me out.

Motherhood is amazing. I really do love it. And between getting to experience pregnancy and now getting to be a mother, a part of me that felt broken and inadequate for so long has been restored. I feel purposeful. I no longer dread baby showers or meeting new people who instantly ask "do you have children?" I no longer wonder when -or if- I will get to have a baby of my own. I feel incredibly blessed. Sometimes I feel so happy I literally just burst into tears, because I can't believe David and I actually have two babies.

But they can not fill every void in my life.

If they could, I would have no need for God.

He designed it this way.

I wish I would have recognized that during infertility, and spent more time finding contentment in Him.

I hope to remember this better, during whatever my next season of "waiting" might be.

Because babies and husbands and homes and cars and financial stability and health and job security are all wonderful, fulfilling things, but in HIM ALONE is my every longing met.

Christ alone.


Happy New Year.