On my mind...

I suppose you could call this Kendra's version of MckMama's "Stream of consciousness"

- Fall is officially here. The last two mornings we have turned on the heat in the house when we have gotten up, and baby hats and blankets were required on Momma's run yesterday.

- We finally have decided to paint some walls in our house. It was never our intention to leave every wall white in the first home we've ever owned, but we closed and moved in exactly one month before Luke and Abbey came, and exactly three days before my blood pressure rose (can't imagine why...) and I was put on bedrest. And since then, well, we've been just a tad busy. Anyways, it's been fun to pick out colors and continue to make this house our home.

- a rrrr s2 Vt YXTX4 HCCMMZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (that was from Lucas, he is sitting on my lap as I type)

-Napping boot camp is officially over in our house. We tried, and failed, to institute napping times (9am, 1pm, and 4pm) each day for a few days. And each day we ended up with over tired, cranky, fussy babies who napped really poorly, and over tired, cranky, fussy parents who decided this was just not what was best for any of us. For some babies, it does work. For ours, it only worked one day. Our babies need their naps when they are tired, and no later. Especially Luke. If you miss his tired cues, and that "window", you end up with a fusssssyyyyy baby who will only nap about 20 minutes and wake up crying. So it's back to a more baby-led schedule for our days.

-My babies are over six months old. They have been with us - outside of my body- for over half a year now. How is this possible? Often it still doesn't feel real to me. I sit and try and figure out why, and I usually come to the same two conclusions. First, I don't mean to sound dramatic, but our delivery was so shocking and I was so out of it for so long after that I don't think I have processed completely that that all actually happened to me. I can remember bits and pieces, but it feels like someone else's memories. It's as if because I wasn't fully present, it didn't really happen. I keep a picture, this picture...

...on my bedside table. Every once in awhile I need to just look at it and reconnect with her. I knew how to be her. It's not that I long to be her again, it's just that that's the last time I felt like...Kendra. I am trying to process how I got from there to here...it's all been a bit of a blur =). Motherhood is all so new to me. I really am enjoying it, but it's outside of what I know...which to be honest has surprised me. I babysat and nannied and taught preschool, but none - read NONE - of those things fully prepared me for having my own babies. My abilities to command the attention of 15 4&5 years olds means nothing when both my babies need my full attention at the same time and I am running on 4 1/2 hours sleep. My body feels totally foreign to me. It's so out of shape and still carrying around lingering (and stubborn) baby weight. And my mind...well, it's often cluttered. Interrupted sleep will do that to you. I am not complaining, just being honest. I never felt more like myself than when I was pregnant, and I have been trying to find my footing -my self- again ever since. My new self. My Momma self.

That leads to the other conclusion I usually come to. I often feel under qualified to be raising these babies. I am self-conscious about that sometimes, which leads me to wonder if someone else isn't going to catch on to the fact that I am really just wingin' this motherhood thing and say "who let you have babies?" and take them away. I am not literally afraid of someone taking them away, its just...amusing...???...to me that God let me have twins.

-Today I was filled with the strongest desire I have ever felt to just hold both my babies at the same time, and stay close with them. I don't know if it was reliving so much of our journey to them for This post, or if it was Stephanie's post from today. Whatever it was, so overcome by the need to embrace them both was I, that I concocted this...

Impressed? Me too.

(The funny part was I spent way more time checking and rechecking to make sure every strap, button, snap and limb was in place than we actually did walking around.)



- And lastly, Friday night my sister Natalie brought over the documentary "Babies". Have you seen it? Fascinating. I have been thinking about different cultures and the way we raise babies ever since. For instance, we here in America are soooo worried about statistics and milestones being met by certain times. Take "Tummy Time" for instance. The recommended amount varies, but all peds and parents here alike agree it's essential for learning to crawl/walk. And in this film you see the baby in Mongolia lay flat on his back scene after scene after scene. And yet -spoiler alert- he too, walks in the end. Don't get me wrong, I make sure my little one's have plenty of tummy time...it just makes ya think.

And with that, I'll sign off now. Happy Wednesday all.