Tuesday, October 20, 2009

of Fear and such...

Friday night we went to the David Crowder Band concert, and I was still singing their lyrics on Sunday while driving home from Costco.

One in particular line continued to repeat over and over in my head "I'm finding everything I'll ever need. By giving up, gaining everything"

The Lord started to convict me, and it got me pondering what it means to "give up".

My mind immediately went to control.

I have a hard time giving up control.

Like with this pregnancy...I trust the Lord, but I still like to hang on to just a portion of the reigns, refusing to let go completely of my control over it.

Or rather, my illusion of control.

I was talking with Him about this and I tried to reason by saying "I am just afraid Lord, afraid of the ground being removed from underneath me, afraid of what might happen if I let go..."

And then He said something that greatly humbled me.

I do not need your permission, Kendra.

There was no scolding in His tone. Just a reminder that He is God, and I am not.

A reminder I was unaware I was desperately in need of.

The God of the universe is not waiting for me to grant Him approval to act or allow things to happen in my life.

He is not standing by, holding the pause bottom on letting calamity enter my world, until I have given Him the OK to do so.

This pregnancy has been going wonderfully so far because He has spoken it to be, not because my unwillingness to fully let go is granting me some supernatural power via my sheer will.

If God is going to allow something to happen to me or to our babies, it is going to happen, whether I am on board with trusting Him through it or not.

A peace began to wash over me as I let this Truth sink in.

One of the amazing things about the Lord is how He can show you something that humbles you, that reminds you of His Awesome Wonder and Power, and do it with such love.

I will -of course- continue to pray for the health and well-being of these two miracles He has allowed to grow inside me. I will also continue to ask people to pray for us as well.

I will -of course- continue to worry from time to time. There will absolutely be times that fear creeps in.

But the prayer of my heart is that the fear and worry will become few and far between, and that the trust in the God of the universe will become more frequent.

The rest of the chorus is now what is replaying over and over in my mind...Lord, let it be.

"Falling for You for eternity, Right here at Your feet,Where I wanna be. I am Yours."


Alexis said...

Worry is temporary atheism. That's my new motto in life.

I love how you put this. Beautiful.

Lianna Knight said...

this was so good Kendra...and I agree, HE is in CONTROL :) Thanks for sharing!!!

Kelly said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. The Lord knows that you are not the only one that needs to be reminded that He is in control. I struggle with this so much and seeing your blog was a sweet reminder to me. If you don't mind will you lift my husband and I up in prayer. Infertility can put quite the strain on a marriage and think we are starting to feel the effects of it.

The Writer Chic said...

SO true, but so hard. Praying along with you.

kinsey said...

i've read your blog for awhile and was SO excited to see your fun news!! twins, what a blessing!! after reading your post today, i wanted to share with you two things that kept me focused on trusting and giving my whole pregnancy over to Him. i had a miscarriage 4 months before getting pregnant again, and it was so hard to feel at peace/not TERRIFIED at the beginning of the new pregnancy...very early in my pregnancy i was working on a beth moore study and these two things were in it and i LITERALLY had to repeat them to myself ALL day everyday for 10 months...but it was so nice to have them memorized so that i never forgot them!

"do not let the enemy steal ONE BIT of the victory God has for you." -beth moore

"take COURAGE! it is I! don't be afraid." matthew 14:27

that scripture was SO comforting to me. i would seriously say it out loud while driving ;-)

saying some prayers for you and your twins right now. can't wait to continue reading about yall!

i took my blog private right before my baby was born (he's 6 weeks old:-) but if you want to be added, just email me. sorry for the long comment.....i hardly ever share this kind of stuff with people i don't know but felt i needed to today!

Guy and Julie said...

I appreciate this a lot.

Faith said...

Great post about something that is so hard to do. We are going to see David Crowder in November and I cannot wait!!!

Lori said...

I can totally see what you mean. I am not even pregnant and I already think that I will have a fear like that as well. I think you are dealin with it the right way. I will pray that the Lord will give you peace!

Jen S. said...

Thank you for sharing what you do on here. I learn so much from you...thank you!! Your post really made me think. I want you to know you are always in my prayers and I'm thinking of you, David, and your precious babies.
Lots of love...

Vanessa's Dad said...

Ann and I are reading "The Shack." I thought about it while reading your blog, and reflecting on trusting God. How would I behave if I truly Believed?

I'm quick to say that God is the Creator of the Heavens and the earth and He has my best interests in mind. But, I don't act that way all the time. I'm workin' on it.


Lauren Kelly said...

This was absolutely beautiful Kendra. And at moments when that fear wants to creep in, hold those thoughts captive and send them back where they came from! Love you.

Heather said...

This is awesome. I just love you, girlie! I struggled with ALOT of fear when I was pregnant, and also even now with AK. (Connor, too, sometimes.) You just don't want anything bad to happen and for me, the fear just comes in waves sometimes...almost crashing over you. I love what God said to you, though. He is sovereign. He loves us and knows us and has our best in his plans, even when they are not His. I am praying for you and your sweet little babies!
P.S. I was thinking about Thanksgiving today and just had to share...."I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!!!!!" :)