Thursday, June 27, 2013

on motherhood

A wise friend sent me this post recently.  Tears streamed down my face as I read the words that I longed to be able to articulate, but have yet to be able to. Words that touched my soul.
 Recently we entered a new realm of babies going to someone else's house.
 I know, I know, they are three years old. But. I am a paranoid momma, and one of my babies has a very anxious, clingy personality. Or, had.  We've been so blessed to be able to meet our children's needs for security and not push beyond comforts until seeing signs of readiness. When I first went back to work, it was just 15 hours a week. The twins were 3 months old, and they got to be home with daddy, grandma & grandpa , or auntie Natalie while I worked.  God has outdone Himself in allowing me to slowly wean to the idea of my babies being in the hands of non-family members. It was about a year ago that we found ourselves up against a schedule that forced us to hire someone. We went through 2 people before we found a great fit and it's worked well for our family. The twins never loved it when I left for work on my work days, but they did okay, and I knew they were safe and loved and having fun while I was gone. But like all good things, that time has come to an end. She got herself a grown up job and being a nanny 2 days a week  no longer fit into her plans. She's been great about coming to our house 2 days a week and allowing our children to be around their toys and nap in their beds. (We are beyond blessed that grandparents do the 3rd day for us!)
But then we needed to find something new.
Our sweet friends down the street have a little girl a week younger than Luke and Abbey. We hang out often. So often, that I commonly refer to Luke, Abbey and little E as "the triplets". Our families are close, and I completely trust them.
So, it seemed a natural step for Abbey and Luke to begin going to their house on the 2 days a week we needed childcare.
As much as I trusted the much as I felt our babies were ready to be in someone's house without Momma or Daddy there...I was nervous.
How would this go? To date, we'd never left our babies anywhere besides our house or the Church nursery. Never.

Before you think me overly anxious and all Helicoptery, please recognize that I work at a Children's Hospital. Every day I'm there, I see abuse and neglect. I see trauma.
I'm not so arrogant as to assume horrible things can not happen to our babies while they're under our care, in our house (we've made a handful of trips to the Urgent Care for injuries that occurred while Momma was in charge). But I'd like to think things are less likely to happen with a parent - their parent's- watchful eye on them.
Truth? I don't know. But it feels right.

But I can't watch over them forever. And on paper, this all looks good...
So...after spending a few days talking about it, we get up one morning, and we all get ready, and we pack our "away bag" to spend the day at our friend's house, and pile in the van to drive four houses down to spend the day at someone's house...without Momma or Daddy.

And guess what?
Our kids did awesome.

They were a tad gloomy when I gave goodbye hugs and kisses, but no tears. Not a single one. And they had a wonderful day playing and letting E's Momma care for them.

What a blessing.

Were they ready before now, and I just wasn't? Perhaps. I guess it doesn't really matter.

I will always fear for them. Fear how much I love them.

But I long to embrace that fear, to never run from it. When you run from it, you keep Great Love at an arm's length, and I never want to do that. I never want to miss out on the gifts that true, vulnerable love can bring.

Here's to being matter the cost. Here's to aspiring to love like Christ.


Cherry said...

First time commenting, but I've followed your blog from A. Ledford(a friend of my niece). BEAUTIFUL post Kendra! I KNOW how you feel! I felt those exact feelings with our only child/daughter(who is now 29 yrs old). It’s hard to explain, how I felt back then…but your post would’ve been such a help to me back then! Thank you for being so authentic! I’m sure this will be helpful to another mommy! BE ENCOURAGED!

Aunt Carol said...

I love how you share yourself with us. I know how much it is going to mean to Luke and Abbey some day when they go back and read (and see) how much their Momma and Daddy have loved them and wanted only the best for them their entire lives. Maybe it will even help them through those rebellious teenage years ahead.

Love, Aunt Carol