Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

Today I had a wonderful day.

I spent the majority of the day by myself, with a grande white chocolate peppermint mocha, my camera, my Bible, my prayer journal, and my Esther Bible study workbook. I got up this morning, got ready, and at my husband's thoughtful suggestion headed off to the Grotto.

This plan all came about a few weeks ago. When we came to realize that this would be another Mother's day without a little one, or a pregnancy, I began to dread that the day was upcoming...

The idea of sitting through another Mother's day service at Church, where they lovingly ask every one who is a mother to stand and be acknowledged...and I am the only person with a uterus over the age of 17 still sitting...ugh. I just couldn't stand the thought of it. Society goes above and beyond to celebrate mother's today, and as well they should. Mother's day is a wonderful idea, and I certainly don't think they should stop celebrating it because of the hurts it reveals in some. Being a mother is an amazing gift, and from what I understand of it, a pretty thankless job! So I love that they acknowledge those that are privileged enough to carry the responsibility and honor of being someone's mother. I personally can't wait to stand proudly at that call one day in the future!! It's just that until that day comes...I just dread the feeling of being ostracized that it creates in my heart.

For the last two years, on Mother's day I have forced a painted smile on my face, and bit back tears as I heard poems and proclamations of the joys of motherhood. I have sucked it up and been a grown up about it because that's what I felt like I should do, and I wanted to spend time with the mothers in my life, whom I love so dearly. But this year I gave myself the year off. Call me selfish if you want, I am choosing not to care. (and if you call me selfish in a comment, I won't post it =) ).

I can not express properly how liberating it was to realize I didn't have to put myself in that situation. It was so incredibly freeing!

So I filled my backpack up and threw it over my shoulders and headed off to the Grotto, coffee in hand. I spent a long time just walking around and taking in the beauty of nature and the amazing statues and sculptures. I stood off to the side and observed a beautiful and reverent outdoor Catholic Mass. I wandered around and took deep inhales of fragrant flowers, and smiled to myself when a random bout of sunshine would suddenly warm my face.

And while I walked and observed, my mind and my heart kept up the mantra of 1 Samuel 3:10 "...Speak, for your servant is listening." I beckoned the Lord to meet me where I was today, and told Him how much I longed to spend time with the God of Wonders...

After awhile of enjoyable wandering, I found a quiet bench where I pulled out my prayer journal. I wrote for a bit, and thought for a bit, and prayed for a bit. Then I got out my Bible and my Esther homework, and proceeded to do two days worth of study...(I was a little behind, shhhh don't tell Beth =) ).

The Lord and I did a lot of talking today. He worked on some areas in me that were in dreadful need of attention.

I couldn't help but notice a constant theme about my day. First of all, at the Grotto there is much emphasis on God's turning sorrow into joy. Then when I worked on my study, I reveled in the realization that we were finishing up Chapter 8, where God turns Esther and her people's " mourning, fasting, weeping, & wailing" into "happiness, joy, gladness, & honor".

I thought about this for awhile and reflected on the areas of my life in which God is allowing an about-face reversal to occur...

I read the scripture of Psalms 40: 2-3

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

I realized that I see God doing that right now in my life. Pulling me out of the mud and mire, and setting my feet on a Rock. I guess I hadn't even given credence to the fact that I was in the mud and mire before today... but on looking back...
I used to be so very "Pollyanna", and I hadn't even acknowledged how much of that had disappeared until I began to recognize it slowly returning to my personality. It felt so refreshing.

I realized that I have spent the majority of the last two and a half years suffering from waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop syndrome, and God has slowly been pulling me out of that mindset. I thought about when it was that the ability to try to look at the bright side and hope for the best first seemed to disappear from my life... There I was, giddy and elated...happily married, mid 20's, just completed my first trimester and finally exhaled that breath I had been holding for the first 12 was perfect...

Shortly after we learned our baby didn't have a heartbeat, my parents 30 year marriage ended, and the house I grew up in was sold...and I felt like my childhood and all my innocence and foundation had been swallowed up and sold right along with it. My world as I had known it 6 months prior was completely unrecognizable. I had been very blessed to say I had suffered very little heartache or trauma my first 25 years of life....and then felt like I had been hit with a bundle of it all right at once.

My character became completely devoid of optimism.

But you know what I am seeing as I look back over the past few years? When God strips you of your "foundation", He allows you the opportunity to rebuild it again on the only real Solid Rock. And that, friends, is the only real immovable foundation. The only stability you can truly cling too. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He IS and WAS and IS TO COME.

I see today how He has pulled me out of the mud and mire, and has done so much more then return me to my old self, He has put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

We dug into some deep, dark corners of my soul today, and I am grateful to see the Lord opening up areas of my heart that have been closed for so long. Open to allow hope and vulnerability again. Especially as we begin a new chapter of our life. We have been referred to a specialist, and in a few weeks have our first appointment. I am equal parts nervous, excited, scared, depressed and hopeful about this new step, and I would be eternally grateful if you would be in prayer for us. Something deep inside me is forcing me to be so open and humble and ask for prayer here...I guess I would feel less alone about tackling this whole thing if I knew I had others joining us in prayer...

On that note, I will leave with you some pictures of my Mother's day, 2009. A wonderful, peaceful day, spent with my mocha and my Jesus.

Happy Mother's day to all of you out there...whether your children are in Heaven, with you here today on this Earth, or yet to be conceived.


David Brown said...

Hi Kendra,

We'll join with you and Dave in prayer. I am a very sporadic reader of family blogs and even more sporadic contributor to my own blog, but today was lead to check in with my nieces. So glad I did. When you spoke of no traumas then all at once, my heart was yours. I remember being at the Univ of Oregon and learning my folks had moved. I was very disorientated because I didn't know where Stayton, Oregon was. I felt lost and losing our childhood home was the only loss I was going through.

Hmmm, then my mind went back to when you were little and your family and Carol and I were at the beach. I would guess you were pre-school or early grade school. We were going down some steps and you were mad about something. I wanted to make it better, but I didn't have the key to making it better. You know, I'm not sure you were as tall as my waist then. Even when you were mad you were cute, and you were really mad that day. Ah, then later, the sunshine was back in your face, and you could let me and others back into your world.

Wanting the best for you and David,

Uncle David and Carol Ann

:) said...

I am almost at a loss for words. Reading what you wrote brought me to tears. YOU are such a wonderful person and I want you to know that I learn so very much from you.

Sounds like you had a very nice day today doing something very UNselfish :) You are such an amazing person Kendra. Thank you for sharing what you share with all of us.

People have said to me (after all of my miscarriages) that things happen for a reason and at the time may not know why, but one day we will. Sometimes that makes me mad, because I want to know why NOW. But, if I can just let things happen how they are supposed to, everything falls right into place somehow. Easier said then done for me, I know that :)
Sorry I started babbling there Kendra.

What I do know is that YOU are an AMAZING person, and I will continue to pray for you.

I really admire what you did today. YOU are AWESOME!!!!

:) said...

PS--the Grotto looks absolutely amazing!!!!
Thanks for sharing all of the pictures.

Alexis said...


I thought of you often today, and each thought was accompanied by a silent prayer. God only allows His children pain so that He can heal it. I could never pretend to know His plan for you, but I do know that He has one, and He will reveal it in His perfect time.


Jenna said...

Hi Kendra,

I just wanted to tell you that I was really moved by your post. You are wonderful at expressing your inner feelings with us. I prayed for you several times over the weekend, and I'm so glad to know that you took time for yourself yesterday. Hugs.

Lauren Kelly said...

Absolutely beautiful. I need this just as much as you needed to write this! Praying for you, sweet friend :)

Becca said...

What a wonderful way to spend Mother's Day!! It is such a painful day for those of us without children on earth with us, but you turned that pain into sweet communion with our Savior. Thank you for the beautiful post. I will most definitely be praying for your upcoming doctor's appointment!

Keri said...

It was so hard for me to go to chuch and work after my miscarriage. It seemed everyone I met had a huge baby in their tummy. I had to throw pregnant friends baby showers and visit newborns in the hospital with a huge fake smile on my face.

I am so glad you took the morning to reflect and have a bible study. I wish I had done that more often when I was frustrated. You seem like an amazing person and I look forward to seeing what God has planned for you. Who knows what will happen by next mother's day!

Faith said...

Kendra, I'm thankful for the time you spent with the Lord yesterday. I know these feelings all too well and will definitely be praying for you as you begin the next step of seeing a specialist. Remember that no matter what they say, God is able to do the impossible! That is what I am holding on to and claiming in our life as well!

Lacy said...

You never cease to amaze me at your strength and unwaivering faith Kendra! I skipped out on church yesterday too. I felt kinda selfish and guilty about it, but I am a true believer that sometimes you can feel closer to God other places, not just in a church building. The Grotto looked so peaceful. What a wonderful way to spend your day. I am praying for you and your upcoming doctor's visit. I have so much hope for you!! And I know that God has a WONDEFUL plan for you and David! ♥ and hugs!

Alexis said...

I've given you an award! Details on my blog!

Julie said...

Sweet were in my constant thoughts and prayers today. My heart was aching for you. I'm so glad that you were able to spend this time with our precious savior!! God has great and amazing plans for you and David!!

Love you :~)

Vanessa's Dad said...

I'm undone. You've turned sadness into inspiration for yourself and others. God has plans for you... plans for hope and a future.


Monica @ Writer Chic said...

I've been away -- shh -- so my blogs have all been autoposted and I'm just now catching up, but I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you yesterday. I had a Mother's Day card to send you -- chosen especially for you -- but left it in TN when I left for my trip. Doh! But know you were thought of Sunday -- and every day -- and please know that I am continuously praying for the desire of our hearts. Hugs, M

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I think you chose a wonderful way to spend your Mother's day. I don't think you are selfish at all. We need those times alone, to just be...and I am glad you got the chance to do so!

Heather said...

AHHH...Kendra! This post is why I love you. much like me that my heart actually beats faster as I read...because I am thinking it is a window into my own soul. I love to take these "days with God" in places of beauty like the grotto. The fact that you did it on Mother's Day is incredible and obviously, it was what/where God wanted you to be because you were so blessed. Know that I am constantly in prayer for you and your faith baby...and am confident in God's answer. This post just makes me "happy"- which may sound weird...but it is just so full of Jesus and full of hope!
I love it and I love you!
Thanks for sharing all this with us!

Lianna Knight said...


This post meant SO much to me. What a great idea for Mother's Day. Time for YOU and the Lord!! I will remember this on the days when I just need time to get away.

I am also so glad that you shared your story with us...I did not know that you had once been pregnant and how so many things had been affected your life at what seems like ALL at once. You are such a strong woman!!!

God knows your desires and He never would have given you those feelings without having a GRANDER plan waiting for you in the future.

Praying for you!

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Hey you! Tagged you for a bloggy award! Love ya

Heather said...

Kendra, I just re-read your post, and just like last week when I read it for the first time, I am at a loss for words.

I am so sorry that you are struggling on your journey to motherhood. I cannot even imagine what that feels like, but I think you are very brave to share this information and to open up about your feelings. It's humbling to read.

The Grotto looks like a beautiful place, and what a great suggestion on the part of your husband.

I will be praying for you, and hoping that this Mother's Day will be the last to bring you sadness instead of joy.