Sunday, April 29, 2012

Frankly, I don't know how she does it either.

Last weekend I sat down and watched the movie (while writing thank you notes & folding laundry, ironically) and loved it.

The ol' blog has been quiet lately. When my days are too full, all-things-internet are the first to go. The end of the term for Dave means a work schedule change for him, and for me, and we're all still adjusting. Luckily right after the twins were born, a wise friend advised me to aim to be more "routinized" than "scheduled". So, we all still know what comes next around here, it just may be happening at a different time.

I guess if I had to come up with one word to summarize my current season it would be behind. I'm behind at work and behind at home and behind at being a friend and daughter and sister. I'm behind in healing from my car accident.  It feels like it's all too much. And while I try and give my best, lately it feels like everyone is only getting part of me. Like my best just isn't cutting it.

Family is my priority. I stake and claim that not to sound Holy or Righteous, but honestly to remind myself. My kids come first. Parenting is something I desire to be intentional about at all times...because if we mess this up, really, what else matters???

I am so grateful I only need to work part time, and that I still get to be home with my kids so much. Not that chasing around two 2 year olds isn't work (mercy, it sure is work), but it's the most important work. And I feel so blessed that I get to be involved in so much of Abbey and Luke's days. Watching them learn and grow and explore and challenge and play and interact fascinates me. Being able to be present in their days is a gift I do not take for granted.

My job is a good one, but incredibly demanding. The position I'm in used to be a full time position, and I am (attempting) to do it in 24 hours a week. I've been behind since the day I started in January. I walk out the door (late, most often) after every shift with a pile of work still on my desk. Luckily, I have the world's best boss, who completely understands and supports my family-first priority. They've worked around whatever schedule suits my family best.

Between phyical therapy, massage therapy, and spine manipulation I'm averaging about 3 appointments a week in an effort to recover fully from the car accident in February. I'm not proud to admit that I'm not giving my back and neck the attention and care they deserve to get better - but who's got the time?!? Working part time, having twin toddlers, and staying on top of our home keep me busy enough each week.

As I type this, I can see a mountain of laundry taunting me. But I've decided to ignore it -it'll still be here tomorrow- and blog a bit. Journal a bit. Get some thoughts out of my head and hopefully clear up some space in there. I need to.

My needs are just as important as any other member of my family...but I never, EVER, want my children - or husband- to feel like an inconvenience to me. The weight of being Mom can be a heavy burden. Every once in awhile, resentment about all that is expected of me creeps in..

Sometimes, I catch myself feeling like my family and home responsibilities are "getting in the way" of my life. And then I have to stop and remember, they are my life. I'm called to manage my home. Being a mother and wife, and CEO of our home is my greatest calling, my top priority. It's the most thankless and important job I will ever do. A home doesn't just run itself. A close family doesn't just happen. Children don't just learn confidence, security, trust, discipline, kindness, faithfulness and compassion on their own. We teach them, we show them. And while ultimately God is in control of all of this and able to do it all without me, He also calls us to a high standard when He entrusts our children to us.

I want to honor the roles I've been entrusted with.

As for my job, the Bible also calls us to work as if we are working for the Lord. So, I try to. I work hard when I'm at my there. And then, I work hard to leave it there when I walk out the door and allow myself to focus on my family and my home that I am returning to. 

"Try" being the operative word there.

Some days, I fail. My kids watch way too much TV as I run around getting ready for work or getting chores done around the house...all because I chose to "sleep in" instead of getting up before them, or chose to watch TV the night before instead of getting things done then. And that's okay. In those times I try to cut myself some slack, and remember most days I really am doing the very best I can.

And I'm also constantly re-evaluating what I value a "Good Mom" to be. Does a Good Mom constantly play with her children? Drop everything she is doing when she hears the tiny voice request "Momma play with me?". I don't know. Sometimes - most the time- I think yes. But occasionally, I think no. A Good Mom plays with her kids. She gets down on the floor and acts silly and gets inside her children's world. But she also makes sure they have clean socks to wear. And veggies to eat. And changes their crib sheets. A Good Mom also makes sure there is sunscreen in the closet for warmer days, and infant ibuprofen on hand for when the fever spikes at 2am, and diapers and wipes always around for the constant diaper changes. And if a Good Mom is busy making sure there are clean towels for bath time and groceries for dinner, that means sometimes she isn't available to build with blocks the very minute it is requested of her. And that's okay. She's still present. She's still intentional. It's just - in those moments - in the vein of preparedness for her loved ones instead of racing trucks down the hall with them.

I'm good at playing with my kids. But I'm also learning to be okay with saying "Momma needs to finish washing these dishes right now so we can have clean plates for dinner, but I'll play with you in a little bit. How about if you build a tower by yourself and show me how tall you can make it?".  And if the children don't like that response? So be it. I'm learning that a Good Mom also makes sure her children understand that even though they are so very precious and important and special...the world does not revolve around them. I believe a Good Mom has boundaries. And I'm becoming more and more comfortable with that.

I'm also working on accepting my husband's help without seeing it as a failure on my part.Why do we women do this to ourselves? When I am overwhelmed and David steps in, why do I feel like I am letting my family down? I really don't know. The Super-Mom expectations I put on myself are mine and mine alone. David and I are a team. We both work some outside the home (granted, him more than me) and we both work inside the home. We are both parents to our children. I am lucky to have a husband who truly sees us as a partnership. He desires to be hands-on with the kids, and is more than willing to do his "fair share" of chores to keep our home running. So I'm working on recognizing that doesn't make me any less of a Good makes me a Blessed one =).

There. I don't know if any of that is coherent, but it sure felt good to get out.

Now how about some pictures of my Adorables?


Aunt Carol said...

Kendra, you are growing and growing and growing as a wonderful woman with many roles. I love that you are learning to embrace the fact that David is your PARTNER in all things, that you RESPOND to your kids even when you can't immediately give them what they ask (which is a life lesson for them in and of itself), and that you are recognizing that YOU are important, too. Giving real priority to your physical recovery for a while may well help in other areas, too. Hang in there.

Love, Aunt Carol

Lori said...

Wow, what a great post. I know I had tears in my eyes!! I have been such a bad blog reader, I didn't even know about your car accident! I am so sorry! I will say it is very important to take care of your injuries, I am still suffering from a VERY weak right side of my neck due to a whiplash about 13 years ago.

I agree with you on all the points you made about being a "Good Mom" you are so amazing at being a Mom. I also struggle with these things on a daily basis.

Hubby helps me out so much as well, and I think that it has brought us so much closer together. It has also kept him "involved" in EVERYTHING that happens/goes on in Savannah's life. From every weird bowel movement, to even the slightest runny nose, he is there with me just as worried and hands on. I feel so blessed, beyond measure. I think often times the Mom is noted to be the one to do everything, since often times the Dad works more, but the child needs both parents to teach them and to build a lasting relationship with them! Loved, loved this post!!!

Cool Grandma B said...


Vanessa's Dad said...

You are not a good mom. You are a great mom. And, David is a great dad. You fail every day to meet your unrealistic expectations. Guess what? The sun comes up anyway, and you get another shot.

Your kids are learning about life. Life does not stop and let you have your way. But, life is not awful or fearful. The universe is a wonderful place thanks be to God.

Together, you and Davd and Luke and Abbey will make it better for each of you. Wonderful. Perfect, just the way you are.


great par

Mr. and Mrs. B said...

Thank you for sharing this post...I needed it. We are in the middle of our first major move since we got married/had kids and with it is going to come 2 months of being a single mom. I'm not excited about it at all. Not going to lie...but the reminder of doing everything as if I was doing it for the Lord was just what I needed to hear/read tonight.

Your twins are adorable by the way!!