Sunday, December 21, 2008

Doing some thinking...

My sister Amanda , posted this yesterday. Phyllis emailed it to her, noting she had thought of me, my sister, and all parents when she saw it. Thank you Phyllis, it really touched me.
Everybody take a minute and go read it...I'll wait here...=-)


Wasn't that beautiful?? I feel it was just another nudging on my soul from the Lord. I have heard Him telling me a lot of the same thing lately...that children are a gift from Him.
I know, you'd think I would have known that already.
What can I say...I am hard headed.
But the thing is, even though I had heard that verse a hundred times, I don't think I ever fully grasped it until recently.

You see, I have been humbled so much by this realization lately...I do not deserve a baby.

Ugh, those are hard words to type.

But it's the truth, I do not deserve to be a Momma. It is not something I can earn. I am not worthy of it, never will be.

I have struggled with being in the habit of thinking that I am a "good" person. And "good" people deserve to be parents.
Looking back, I think that's one of the things that shocked me the most when our miscarriage happened. I didn't even realize it until later, but something I struggled with so much was that I felt it was all so unjust. How could that have happened to us? We had it all planned out, all our ducks in a row... we had been married 2.5 years, had a 4 door car, a savings account, and we trusted in the Lord. Sounds like a perfect couple to bless in my mind!!
*If anyone is still reading this blog after that admission of my horrible, selfish pride, please rest assured knowing that the Lord has spent the last two years humbling me.*

Thank you Lord, for teaching me humility, and for being gentle with me during the process.

He knew that I have been in desperate need of this humility, because the truth is, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve His blessings. Any of them. The ones I have had, the many I currently have, and the many I will receive in the future.
The reality is I am a sinner.
What I deserve is an eternity spent in Hell.

But -by the grace of God alone -not only am I spared an eternity in Hell, I have been so blessed in my earthly life as well.

The realization and acceptance of such things has come as both a burden and relief.
It seems a burden to acknowledge that I do not deserve this blessing and in fact may not receive it. And at the same time it's a relief to know there is absolutely nothing I can do to earn it. It's in God's precious hands...

With all this type of thinking, and then with Heather's post about the miracle of Mary's immaculate conception, it seems fitting to end this post with my very favorite Christmas song.


Lianna Knight said...

I am feeling the same thing today....AND I just read Heather's post today too. I'm trying to turn my frown upside's just hard!

Lacy said...

I loved your post today. It really made me think. Too many times I have thought "we have all our plans in place for raising a baby" and "why me?". But you are right, that a baby is not something I am entitled to, (although I wish it was). A baby will be a miracle and a gift from God. Thank you for helping me see this in a different light. Continuing to pray for you!

Faith said...

So very true, Kendra. You are not alone in these feelings, and I am SO thankful for the love, grace and mercy that God pours out on us as we continue to trust Him.

Praying for your miracle!!

Heather said...

This is one of those posts I am going to read and re-read and let God soak things in. You are such a precious disciple of His, Kendra! Thank you for being my friend! I relate so much to this and you know what? (I don't talk about this much because I'm afraid it won't make sense to people...) Since I found out I was pregnant, I have struggled so much with feeling "guilty" because I know I don't deserve it and didn't show perfect faith in the waiting and just have a whole conflict of emotions going. I finally decided it was just like the devil to take this "most wonderful thing ever" and turn it into guilt and anguish. So I am praying that God will remind me that I don't deserve any of it...not just the baby but salvation, my wonderful husband, this life, etc. and just make me SO UNBELIEVABLY THANKFUL that others can't help but see Jesus and that I can't see anything BUT Him.
Sorry for all my rambling...but I love you and am praying so hard for you and your miracle. God is going to bless you- not because you deserve it, but because He loves you so much. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM!

Jenna said...

Kendra, I just flat out loved this. I loved your honesty, and I loved that you are sharing what God is teaching you to us. I can't imagine what it is like to be where you are, but you better believe I am praying for your miracle, my friend!!

Vanessa's Dad said...

Thank God that He does not give us what we deserve. He's a Heavenly Father, and He gives us what He knows we need most.

You are a Gift from God. I am a grateful father.