Friday, November 13, 2009


Three years ago today, Nov 13th, 2006, David and I learned at our 13 week doctors appointment that our baby did not have a heartbeat.

It was a devastating day.

I remember the holidays that year...vaguely. They are kind of a blur of me trying to put a smile on my face while feeling dark and empty inside.

Then followed a long season of waiting.

I would like to say I handled the waiting patiently, but that would not be true.

I remember thinking I would never smile again. I was sure my heart would never feel joy ever again...that I would feel empty for the rest of my life.

God began to lead us on a journey.

I would like to say I handled the journey with grace, but that would not be true.

Luckily, my God is both patient and graceful to His children. Thank you Lord.

Someday soon I do intend to write a post about how we got to where we are, so that those of you who are still waiting can hopefully find some Hope in our story, but it's an almost three year journey, and a very emotional one. And I feel I've done a decent job reigning in the roller-coaster of emotions that come with pregnancy thus far. (If David is reading this he just fell off his chair). But I do need to set aside a chunk of time and write it out, and hopefully properly put into words how faithful our God has been to us.

This post is all to say that three years ago today I felt so empty and alone, and I would have bet everything I had that I would never have joy in my heart again. And although I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that God was gracious to me even in my faithlessness and He did bring plenty of true joy to my heart too many times to count over the last three years, I can not properly put into words the joy that I had in my heart when I woke up this morning.

The tears that are streaming down my face as I type this are tears of absolute Joy. Today I woke up thinking about our two beautiful children growing inside of me. I day dreamed about bringing them home from the hospital and just holding them close and kissing them and whispering to them how very, very much I love them.

My heartache has been more than redeemed.

My God has been more than faithful.

"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed".
Psalm 71:23


Alexis said...

That was beautiful, Kendra. I didn't know about your miscarriage, but I am praying for you and David today.

Heather said...

I'm crying, too!!! Praise to the True Redeemer!!!! He is faithful and loves us so very much! And have I mentioned I am THRILLED for you?!?!?!

Lauren Kelly said...

Beautifully written and so very very happy Kendra and blessed to walk this journey with you!!! Love you :)

Sara said...

I mostly lurk, but I wanted to tell you that this is an absolutely beautiful post.

I am sorry for the loss of your little one 3 years ago. Enjoy every minute of this pregnancy! I have a 3 1/2 month old baby girl and she is such a joy. You have so much to look forward to!

Lianna Knight said...

I love this post Kendra. The wait is a terrible process...but that's exactly what it is...a process. It's not the beginning, it's not the end, it is something we are going through.

Looking forward to reading about your journey of bringing these babies home!

Lori said...

You also brought tears to my eyes. From me looking in at how you have handles the waiting I think that you were such a great inspiration to me. You always had something postive to say, and that really stuck with me. I am so sorry for your loss 3 years ago, I cannot even begin to imagine the heartache of that, and then infertility. I would love to hear about how your journey through infertility ended. God bless you and your babies!!!! They will be here before we know it!

Angie S said...

I drop by and check in on you ever so often, but now am a follower. I just loved this post. I am so excited for you and your little blessings!!

Vanessa's Dad said...

Very touching, poignant blog. Good that you recognize the power of anniversaries, the good ones, and especially the bad/sad ones... so you are not blind-sided, without even knowing why.

God's world if perfect, but not everything that happens in God's world is what He wants to happen. People make bad choices. Bad things happen to good people, and God only knows why. But, He is still perfect... and He makes all things beautiful in His time, His way.

He promises to bring Good from all things, even bad things, for those who love him. Lucas and Abigail are magnificant examples of wonderfully Good things God has brought you, beyond what you ever hoped or imagined three years ago.

Praise be to God. Blessed are you Kendra and David... for you are grateful.


Stephanie said...

I thought of you last night.

I was at dinner with my sister, feeding her three month old son, and realized she was using a burping cloth I'd given her. My best friend made several burping cloths for me during my first pregnancy (which was our first miscarriage). My sister and I have now, between the two of us, had three miscarriages and birthed three babies. Seeing her son using that burp cloth (which had a cross on it) was another reminder of God's redemption in our lives.

Thanks be to God.