Mother's Day 2009

Today I had a wonderful day.

I spent the majority of the day by myself, with a grande white chocolate peppermint mocha, my camera, my Bible, my prayer journal, and my Esther Bible study workbook. I got up this morning, got ready, and at my husband's thoughtful suggestion headed off to the Grotto.

This plan all came about a few weeks ago. When we came to realize that this would be another Mother's day without a little one, or a pregnancy, I began to dread that the day was upcoming...

The idea of sitting through another Mother's day service at Church, where they lovingly ask every one who is a mother to stand and be acknowledged...and I am the only person with a uterus over the age of 17 still sitting...ugh. I just couldn't stand the thought of it. Society goes above and beyond to celebrate mother's today, and as well they should. Mother's day is a wonderful idea, and I certainly don't think they should stop celebrating it because of the hurts it reveals in some. Being a mother is an amazing gift, and from what I understand of it, a pretty thankless job! So I love that they acknowledge those that are privileged enough to carry the responsibility and honor of being someone's mother. I personally can't wait to stand proudly at that call one day in the future!! It's just that until that day comes...I just dread the feeling of being ostracized that it creates in my heart.

For the last two years, on Mother's day I have forced a painted smile on my face, and bit back tears as I heard poems and proclamations of the joys of motherhood. I have sucked it up and been a grown up about it because that's what I felt like I should do, and I wanted to spend time with the mothers in my life, whom I love so dearly. But this year I gave myself the year off. Call me selfish if you want, I am choosing not to care. (and if you call me selfish in a comment, I won't post it =) ).

I can not express properly how liberating it was to realize I didn't have to put myself in that situation. It was so incredibly freeing!

So I filled my backpack up and threw it over my shoulders and headed off to the Grotto, coffee in hand. I spent a long time just walking around and taking in the beauty of nature and the amazing statues and sculptures. I stood off to the side and observed a beautiful and reverent outdoor Catholic Mass. I wandered around and took deep inhales of fragrant flowers, and smiled to myself when a random bout of sunshine would suddenly warm my face.

And while I walked and observed, my mind and my heart kept up the mantra of 1 Samuel 3:10 "...Speak, for your servant is listening." I beckoned the Lord to meet me where I was today, and told Him how much I longed to spend time with the God of Wonders...

After awhile of enjoyable wandering, I found a quiet bench where I pulled out my prayer journal. I wrote for a bit, and thought for a bit, and prayed for a bit. Then I got out my Bible and my Esther homework, and proceeded to do two days worth of study...(I was a little behind, shhhh don't tell Beth =) ).


The Lord and I did a lot of talking today. He worked on some areas in me that were in dreadful need of attention.

I couldn't help but notice a constant theme about my day. First of all, at the Grotto there is much emphasis on God's turning sorrow into joy. Then when I worked on my study, I reveled in the realization that we were finishing up Chapter 8, where God turns Esther and her people's " mourning, fasting, weeping, & wailing" into "happiness, joy, gladness, & honor".

I thought about this for awhile and reflected on the areas of my life in which God is allowing an about-face reversal to occur...

I read the scripture of Psalms 40: 2-3

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."


I realized that I see God doing that right now in my life. Pulling me out of the mud and mire, and setting my feet on a Rock. I guess I hadn't even given credence to the fact that I was in the mud and mire before today... but on looking back...
I used to be so positive...so very "Pollyanna", and I hadn't even acknowledged how much of that had disappeared until I began to recognize it slowly returning to my personality. It felt so refreshing.


I realized that I have spent the majority of the last two and a half years suffering from waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop syndrome, and God has slowly been pulling me out of that mindset. I thought about when it was that the ability to try to look at the bright side and hope for the best first seemed to disappear from my life... There I was, giddy and elated...happily married, mid 20's, just completed my first trimester and finally exhaled that breath I had been holding for the first 12 weeks...life was perfect...


Shortly after we learned our baby didn't have a heartbeat, my parents 30 year marriage ended, and the house I grew up in was sold...and I felt like my childhood and all my innocence and foundation had been swallowed up and sold right along with it. My world as I had known it 6 months prior was completely unrecognizable. I had been very blessed to say I had suffered very little heartache or trauma my first 25 years of life....and then felt like I had been hit with a bundle of it all right at once.

My character became completely devoid of optimism.

But you know what I am seeing as I look back over the past few years? When God strips you of your "foundation", He allows you the opportunity to rebuild it again on the only real Solid Rock. And that, friends, is the only real immovable foundation. The only stability you can truly cling too. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He IS and WAS and IS TO COME.
Hallelujah.

I see today how He has pulled me out of the mud and mire, and has done so much more then return me to my old self, He has put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

We dug into some deep, dark corners of my soul today, and I am grateful to see the Lord opening up areas of my heart that have been closed for so long. Open to allow hope and vulnerability again. Especially as we begin a new chapter of our life. We have been referred to a specialist, and in a few weeks have our first appointment. I am equal parts nervous, excited, scared, depressed and hopeful about this new step, and I would be eternally grateful if you would be in prayer for us. Something deep inside me is forcing me to be so open and humble and ask for prayer here...I guess I would feel less alone about tackling this whole thing if I knew I had others joining us in prayer...


On that note, I will leave with you some pictures of my Mother's day, 2009. A wonderful, peaceful day, spent with my mocha and my Jesus.



Happy Mother's day to all of you out there...whether your children are in Heaven, with you here today on this Earth, or yet to be conceived.

Anniversary Weekend

We got back yesterday from a wonderful, relaxing time in Astoria, Oregon. Neither of us had ever been there before, and we are attempting to be better about trying new places. Especially as there is a good chance we may not be living in this state next year, we want to see as much of it as we can!

We had a GREAT anniversary! Here is a card I got David. I saw it and right away just knew I had to get it:If you can't read that it says "Honey, it's here! The anniversary of the smartest decision you ever made". HA!

Don't worry I got him a real card too =)


David's parents sent us flowers, aren't they beautiful?



David got me the most thoughtful gift this year...
It's the Willow Tree angel for "Celebrate...with joyful anticipation".

A.MEN.

We celebrate five years of marriage, and with joyful anticipation await to see what God has in store for us in the years to come.

He also got me a book by Beth Moore "To Live is Christ". I can't wait to read it!

Isn't that sweet?!?!

I married well. =)


We had this amazing room at the Hotel Elliott.
It was HUGE!! And the bathroom had what I am now thinking is one of the greatest inventions of all time, heated stone floors!!
Happy feet =).


Astoria was a cute little Northern Coastal town. We enjoyed great food and drinks...
(ok so this picture is a little dark and blurry, and my hair is all frazzled and messy, but I am happy!)

We walked around downtown and enjoyed perusing the local shops. If you are ever in the need for old things or objects, have I got the store for you!...And let me tell ya, we went in side to confirm, and that store is very appropriately named!

We enjoyed beautiful weather on Sunday...

Played tic-tac-toe in a local coffee shop...a coffee shop with a slogan I could relate too...
Right!?!?!


We enjoyed sitting in the sun on our hotel's rooftop terrace...
Which had a great view during the day......and at night...
And on our last day, we channeled our inner Thelma and Louise as we crossed what I swear was the longest bridge known to man...

Happy anniversary, baby. And thank you for taking me on a wonderful weekend getaway. To the next five years...with all my love, my heart, my life, and with joyful anticipation.

5/1/04

Today is David and I's five year wedding anniversary!!

Five years ago today, we said I do. We promised to love, honor, and cherish each other until death parts us.


It was a wonderful day.


Being that our wedding was five whole years ago, digital cameras were a newer thing at that time, so most of our pictures are actually prints from film. We do have a disc or two of digitals, but they are in our wedding box buried in my closet, so I went with the easy route instead =). These are pictures of our pictures!!!

This one is our favorite...

We were blessed with such a beautiful day! Which in Oregon, in the Spring, is NOT always a guarantee!That's our bridal party. My best friend Tara & my friend Laura were my bridesmaids, and Dave's two brothers were his groomsmen. David's niece was our flower girl. (Tara's son -my Godson- was our ring bearer, but he was barely two and soooo done with pictures at this point! HA!)


The Lord really smiled on us that day...

That picture of a picture doesn't really do it justice...that is all natural light. The sun was just streaming in right on us through the windows.


I think one of the things that made our day so perfect, was that we had fun...

We call that one "the money shot", and I love it! It's in a little frame in our bathroom and I see it everyday as I get ready, and I think about how blessed I am to have married my best friend! A man who I love, respect, and have a blast with!!!!


We were relaxed pretty much the whole day, but the real relaxing came after the ceremony was done...
that was in our Pastor's office, to sign the marriage license. And yes, I wore flip flops down the aisle. They said "Just Married" on them =)



Then it was time for dancing...

And cake...
And lots of laughter and fun as we got ready to head out for our honeymoon...


we love that picture too. It's a candid of Dave and his parents just cracking up.


And of course, I had to properly announce my new status:
My sister Amanda took that shot right as we were getting ready to dodge the birdseed being chucked at us on the way to our car.

It was a great day.

And it's gotten even better since then. There is an innocence about our faces in the pictures above that I smile now when I see. So much promise ahead of us...

Things may not have gone exactly as we had planned out over these last five years, but they are exactly how our Father had planned them. And our lives are richer and our love deeper because of His plan for us. We are grateful, and blessed.

The last five years have not always been easy, and they haven't always been fun, but they have been us together. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

"Love...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"
1 Corinthians 13: 7-8

Isaiah 30:18

This Esther Bible Study by Beth Moore is simply amazing. It has just reached into my heart and met me right where I am.

(Yes, I realize this is my second post in a row that quotes Beth Moore, I'm not obsessed, I promise! And I know I better write about something else, quickly, before Living Proof Ministries flags my account for suspicion of stalker like behavior! HA!)

The other night at Bible Study Beth was reading Isaiah 30:18, and like she always does, she shed some light on it that allowed me to see it in a whole new way...in a way I assume the Lord intended for it to be seen all along...


"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him."

To be honest, I have always struggled with this verse. My instinct has always been to retort "Well, you ARE the God of the universe you know, so if you are longing then just go ahead and be gracious already!! Give me, give me, give me!"

I know. To quote the bumper sticker: I am not perfect, just forgiven.

Beth explained that in the original Hebrew, "longs" shares the same meaning as "waits".

The Lord is waiting to be gracious. And blessed are those who are waiting on Him to do so.

She then went on to paint the most beautiful picture of our Heavenly Father, who loves us so dearly, longing. Longing to be gracious to us. Longing to answer the requests we cry out to Him. Longing to give us the desires of our heart.

When we pray and do not get our answer, He is waiting on something. And while we wait, sometimes in agony, He is waiting too...perhaps in agony as well.

To recognize that the God of the universe could be in agony over my longing was sobering to say the least.

As I type this, I can't help but think about the people in my life who are so heavy on my heart right now...my sister who is dealing with confusion regarding my niece's medical care, and is longing for answers... a dear friend whose marriage is ending, and is longing for comfort... and another sweet friend who is awaiting some very important test results tomorrow, and is longing for God's healing hand...

He is longing too.

Beth Moore & blogging

What an amazing speaker that woman is!! I know, I know, she is just a woman. Just a human. Imperfect, just like me. But there is something about the way in which she communicates her passion for Jesus that just stirs my soul.

I wrote once before about how for a long time I was skeptical of the whole Beth Moore craze. I would her women rave about her and smugly think to myself "why do people worship her? People should worship Jesus, not Beth Moore."

Let me tell you, she feels that way too!!

She is always praying "Lord, help me not to get in the way!" and always commenting on how she is "the least of you". And the thing that impressed me most about her conference last weekend, was how much she did not want any glory. There was never any introduction "and here comes Beth Moore!!!!" or anything like that. We would be singing, and then just all of a sudden she would appear on stage and start talking, leaving no room for applause. And the same for when she and her team left the stage, even for the final time on Saturday afternoon, they just snuck off stage quietly while we were worshiping... gone.

That, to me, is a woman who does not want any glory.

The theme of the weekend was pretty much on crucifying our egos, and letting Christ be formed in us. To be honest, when she first started talking about our egos on Friday night I was a little disappointed...

My issues tend to be more low self-esteem than big ego.

Or so I thought.

Turns out, through the scenario's and examples that she gave, I realized my ego is pretty decent sized.

Ginormous, actually.

The things I feel I am due, or the ways in which I feel I am wronged, or the times in which I think I know what would be better and try to "advise" the Lord....oh yeah, big ol' ego!!

It was very humbling. But in a really good way.

I left with a sense of peace, humility, and a trust in His plan for me... and a desire to try to get in the way of that plan less =)


And now to the "blogging" part...

One of the things that I felt hit me square between the eyes was when she was talking about marriage, and how hard it can be sometimes. She was going on about relationships and nurturing them... when all of a sudden she says "...and sisters, I say this with love, put down your computers. I see so many women spending countless hours on their computers investing time in relationships with people they hardly know, while the person they should be nurturing a relationship with is right there next to them."

Ummm....who, me??

Like I said, square between the eyes. There are days when I can spend the entire evening -from after dinner until bedtime - online. You all are just so fun and interesting =)

Last term when David worked evenings, I was alone every evening and had plenty of time to read blogs and blog myself. But this Spring term, he is home, every evening, and he deserves my attention.

I felt a huge conviction about this last weekend. Not guilt, it was just an attention getter for me. My marriage isn't perfect, and what marriage couldn't use a little more dedication, really??? And other things...there really is no excuse for me to be behind on my Bible Study, or time with the Lord, and yet caught up on blogs.

I don't say that to instill guilt or convict ANYONE else, this is just what the Lord has asked of me.

I hope you hear my heart...I am not AT ALL trying to say blogging is a relationship-destroyer. In fact, it has helped me in SO many ways, in that it's been a wonderful outlet for me, and a great place for me to come and feel safe to express my emotions, record my days for preserving memories, etc. And most important, I have met some of the neatest friends here! And I say this with my whole heart, I really do love you ladies!!!

I just feel the Lord whispering on my soul to spend less time investing in it.

And I have been trying to obey His direction regarding this during the past week, and as a result am catching up on my blog friends previous weeks posts today...and it is striking to me how many of you have posted something similar to this...I wonder what God is up to!?! He sure seems to be beckoning so many of us to be a little more still.

Peace be with you!!!

Has it seriously been a week?!?!?

What a crazy-busy week!!

But a fun one.

My bestest friend Tara was in town from Tuesday to Sunday, and we had an absolute blast. We averaged about 5 1/2 hours of sleep every night, so when I dropped her off at the airport on Sunday I was exhausted, but it was totally worth it!!

Here are some highlights from our week...

Man I missed this woman!!!!!!


Like good Americans, we did our part to help the economy...
On the weekend we met up with some of the people we used to babysit for. It was so fun! But let me tell ya, few things make you feel OLD like having a beer with a now 23 year old you used to babysit...

Sam (the babysittee), Jeff (his dad), Tara and I...

Little David is in Japan and therefor wasn't able to meet with us, so we took this picture for him...



We met up with our friend Jenney...

And then I dropped her off in Salem for 2 nights to visit family, while I came back up to Portland, just in time to catch my sweet friend Julie...

And the three of us (Me, Jules, and Baby Nowacki) went to see Miss Beth Moore with some ladies from my Women's Bible study...Very, very inspiring.

More on that later.

Our time together was short-lived, but Julie and I always have a great time together. In fact, on Saturday morning I put breakfast in the oven and as I headed upstairs to go do my hair and makeup I hollered at Julie "Hey when the doorbell rings will you let Gina in?", to which she replied "of course", and then I chuckled to myself when I remembered that this was in fact only the third time Julie and I had ever even been in the same room!! Let alone the first time she had ever been at my house. HA! Some host I am!! It's just that we clicked so quickly and it's like we've always been friends...such a blessing!!

I went down to pick up Tara, and our shenanigans picked up right where they left off...
We went up to have dinner with Tara's grandparents and their neighbors. They were a HOOT!! Our abs literally hurt when we left there for all the laughter! Here's a shot of the ladies...
We just had so much fun together! Driving down the freeway, sun pouring through the moonroof, singing at the top of our lungs to CD's from the 90's...it was so good for my soul. I swear if someone would have asked me my age I probably would have honestly answered them "18"! We just laughed until we cried so many times that it felt like it took 10 years off my life... it was just what I needed.

And now... I must head to bed. Because I am not 18, I am much older and need my sleep!

I am behind on my blog-reading, but never fear, I intend to catch up this weekend.

I will however leave you with one last picture...Yup. Those are Best Friend key chains.

I know, we are awesome.

I feel pretty!

Oh so pretty!!!

How do you like my new look?

Thank you SO MUCH to my sweet friend Faith for doing such an amazing job and being so patient with me while I was so picky =)