Today is my last day of maternity leave. As I type this, my babies are napping in their cribs, dinner (chicken breast supreme-yummm) is in the oven, and my husband and sister are sitting on opposite sides of me in the living room watching a movie.
I should be able to just relax and watch a movie with them, seeing as how the wee babes are asleep and the house is still, but my mind is elsewhere...my maternity leave is over.
And I am sad.
Tomorrow I return to the world of "work", not that maternity leave has been any type of vacation, but now Monday through Friday take on an actual meaning, as opposed to just being another day like they have been for the last 12 weeks.
Luckily, I am blessed enough to only need to work part time. I am only going back 20 hours a week.
How some of you go back full time, I have no idea. My heart goes out to you! It must be SO hard and I am honestly IN AWE (now more than ever) of how those of you that are Moms and work full time can seem to do it all.
Luckily, I was blessed enough to be able to take a full 12 week maternity leave. I simply can not imagine how I could have gone back even a day sooner. Again, I am IN AWE of those of you that needed to go back to work at 6 or 8 weeks...how did you do it?!?
But even though I am able to recognize that I was so blessed to get a full 12 weeks, and am so blessed to only need to be gone 20 hours a week, I am still sad.
Tomorrow I will leave my babies for the longest stretch I ever have. Four hours. Well, more like four and a half with the commute time. Thank God we live so close to my job, it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes each way. That's not so bad, really...four and a half hours.
God has been more than gracious to us in regards to the summer schedule for our family. David was offered two classes to teach this term, and they are both on Fridays. So, my babies will be in the trusty and loving hands of their daddy Monday through Thursday afternoons. That's right folks, the only day we need care outside of my husband and myself is Friday. And, Glory to God, my sister Natalie, my mother in law, and the babies "adopted grandma" from Church are ALL available on Friday afternoons. That means I can leave for work each and every afternoon knowing Luke and Abbey are incredibly well cared for.
But I will miss them.
Since their birth, this is all we've ever known...the three of us together all the time.
And that makes me sad.
I am saying good bye to maternity leave, and closing a door on a chapter of my life I waited a long time for. Yes, I still have two babies, but the phase of my life that included pregnancy and newborns is over.
And it seems like it's over in the blink of an eye.
This week included several projects around our house now that the shed is built. My maternity clothes were all packed up into totes and hauled out there. The twins' newborn clothes were all packed away in vacuumed sealed bags and hauled out there as well. For some reason, I didn't handle either of those transitions well. I became really emotional and sentimental packing it all up, to the point where I had to ask Emily to take over for me.
I know that a lot of my feelings can be chalked up to hormones, and sleep deprivation. Studies have shown that a person who is sleep deprived is equal to a drunk, you have close to zero coping skills.
And let me tell you, I have ZERO coping skills lately.
But I also know that my feelings are coming from a deep place in my soul that is being stirred as I say good bye to a chapter I have looked forward to all my life, and as I work on processing these feelings properly all the while not letting them require so much of my focus that I miss out on the present.
Maternity leave wasn't at all what I thought it would be, and of course I have feelings of wishing I could go back and do the last 12 weeks differently. I wish for impossible things, like that I could have been better rested, more patient, more willing to give of myself, and what I primarily wish is that I could have had the foresight from the beginning to see where we would get to. The ability to look into the future and rest easier at the time with the knowledge of the relationship and understanding my babies and I would establish with time.
But since those are just wishes, I will do my best to take the 12 weeks for what they were, and focus on the good memories we did make. I will do my best to make my mornings with my babies a priority. I will try and make quality time with them my focus. And when I head to work in the afternoons, I will kiss my sweet babes goodbye and remind myself that they are going to be just fine, and focus on looking forward to seeing them after having had the chance to miss them =).
While David ran to the grocery store today, and Emily ran some errands, I took the opportunity just the babies and I to have a little chat. I told them that this time tomorrow I wouldn't be home with them, but that they could rest assured that I was indeed thinking of them. I told them that I would hurry home as soon as my time at work was over. I talked to them about how they would be getting a bottle while I was gone, as opposed to just nursing on demand all day long. I made them promise me they wouldn't forget how much they love nursing even though drinking from a bottle is easier. And most of all I told them that my time away from them would make me miss them very much, and that means our time together could be even more precious...and the three of us agreed to focus on that =)
I should be able to just relax and watch a movie with them, seeing as how the wee babes are asleep and the house is still, but my mind is elsewhere...my maternity leave is over.
And I am sad.
Tomorrow I return to the world of "work", not that maternity leave has been any type of vacation, but now Monday through Friday take on an actual meaning, as opposed to just being another day like they have been for the last 12 weeks.
Luckily, I am blessed enough to only need to work part time. I am only going back 20 hours a week.
How some of you go back full time, I have no idea. My heart goes out to you! It must be SO hard and I am honestly IN AWE (now more than ever) of how those of you that are Moms and work full time can seem to do it all.
Luckily, I was blessed enough to be able to take a full 12 week maternity leave. I simply can not imagine how I could have gone back even a day sooner. Again, I am IN AWE of those of you that needed to go back to work at 6 or 8 weeks...how did you do it?!?
But even though I am able to recognize that I was so blessed to get a full 12 weeks, and am so blessed to only need to be gone 20 hours a week, I am still sad.
Tomorrow I will leave my babies for the longest stretch I ever have. Four hours. Well, more like four and a half with the commute time. Thank God we live so close to my job, it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes each way. That's not so bad, really...four and a half hours.
God has been more than gracious to us in regards to the summer schedule for our family. David was offered two classes to teach this term, and they are both on Fridays. So, my babies will be in the trusty and loving hands of their daddy Monday through Thursday afternoons. That's right folks, the only day we need care outside of my husband and myself is Friday. And, Glory to God, my sister Natalie, my mother in law, and the babies "adopted grandma" from Church are ALL available on Friday afternoons. That means I can leave for work each and every afternoon knowing Luke and Abbey are incredibly well cared for.
But I will miss them.
Since their birth, this is all we've ever known...the three of us together all the time.
And that makes me sad.
I am saying good bye to maternity leave, and closing a door on a chapter of my life I waited a long time for. Yes, I still have two babies, but the phase of my life that included pregnancy and newborns is over.
And it seems like it's over in the blink of an eye.
This week included several projects around our house now that the shed is built. My maternity clothes were all packed up into totes and hauled out there. The twins' newborn clothes were all packed away in vacuumed sealed bags and hauled out there as well. For some reason, I didn't handle either of those transitions well. I became really emotional and sentimental packing it all up, to the point where I had to ask Emily to take over for me.
I know that a lot of my feelings can be chalked up to hormones, and sleep deprivation. Studies have shown that a person who is sleep deprived is equal to a drunk, you have close to zero coping skills.
And let me tell you, I have ZERO coping skills lately.
But I also know that my feelings are coming from a deep place in my soul that is being stirred as I say good bye to a chapter I have looked forward to all my life, and as I work on processing these feelings properly all the while not letting them require so much of my focus that I miss out on the present.
Maternity leave wasn't at all what I thought it would be, and of course I have feelings of wishing I could go back and do the last 12 weeks differently. I wish for impossible things, like that I could have been better rested, more patient, more willing to give of myself, and what I primarily wish is that I could have had the foresight from the beginning to see where we would get to. The ability to look into the future and rest easier at the time with the knowledge of the relationship and understanding my babies and I would establish with time.
But since those are just wishes, I will do my best to take the 12 weeks for what they were, and focus on the good memories we did make. I will do my best to make my mornings with my babies a priority. I will try and make quality time with them my focus. And when I head to work in the afternoons, I will kiss my sweet babes goodbye and remind myself that they are going to be just fine, and focus on looking forward to seeing them after having had the chance to miss them =).
While David ran to the grocery store today, and Emily ran some errands, I took the opportunity just the babies and I to have a little chat. I told them that this time tomorrow I wouldn't be home with them, but that they could rest assured that I was indeed thinking of them. I told them that I would hurry home as soon as my time at work was over. I talked to them about how they would be getting a bottle while I was gone, as opposed to just nursing on demand all day long. I made them promise me they wouldn't forget how much they love nursing even though drinking from a bottle is easier. And most of all I told them that my time away from them would make me miss them very much, and that means our time together could be even more precious...and the three of us agreed to focus on that =)
11 comments:
What a tough day coming tomorrow, but you have such a good mindset! I will be praying for you!! I'm taking notes from your experiences! I hope that I will be a mom to my twins as you are to yours!!!
"what I primarily wish is that I could have had the foresight from the beginning to see where we would get to. The ability to look into the future and rest easier at the time with the knowledge of the relationship and understanding my babies and I would establish with time."
This is what I wish for every first-time mother of newborns. It just gets so much better, but you have no way of knowing until you get there.
I'm glad you only have to go back part-time. The great thing about your schedule is that pretty soon, the babies will be on a 3-nap a day (then 2, then 1) schedule, and will sleep most of the afternoon. So you'll get to have mornings with them, when they are awake and active.
Kendra, I just love your Momma heart! I hope this transition of going back to work is easier for all of you!! :)
Oh Kendra, I can only imagine how difficult this transition must be for you. I feel like I would feel the same, it will be hard to go back to work. But I love how you are looking at all the Blessings of this situation. I too, cannot see how mothers go back to work so early and full time!! They deserve a round of applause in my opinion, as do you my friend!! Thinking of you today!!
I am so impressed with how organized you are!! You have all the newborn clothes and maternity clothes already packed away!! Even though it must have been hard to pack them up, you will not regret being organized!!
I hope you find that working part time is wonderful... the best of both worlds for you, your husband, and your Kiddo's.
LOVE,
GRAND DAD
Kendra, you are going to do fine with this next transition. I think you will find that it energizes you when you get back home to David and the children. And you have a great work family so spending 20 hours per week (that's not a lot of time!) with them will also be a morale booster. It's so great that everyone's summer schedule is working out so well for you all.
Wow Kendra! That was a heartfelt post, my prayers will continue to be with you! Praying that God will give you the strength that you need to get up each day, still be a mom, wife and then go to work. I also will be praying that the transition will go smoothly foryour whole family and that God will continue to provide what you need! Take care!
Kendra,
Please don't for a moment regret anything about how you spent your maternity leave. You spent that time LEARNING how to love your babies the best you possibly can.
I so wish I could show you a video of the tremendous progression you made from the first week home with the babies to now. You've grown SO much as a mother, and every single second of those 12 weeks was a learning experience for you.
Most importantly, look at the way your children are nursing now. You persevered, even when it was literally draining you. You toughed it out and now you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.
I love you and I am so proud of you,
Natalie
I cried my first day I had to go back to work. I only had 8 weeks of leave :( And I work 31 hours a week, which isn't too bad...but it's SO hard to leave your baby when it's been all you've known since they were born. It gets easier with time and you discover a new routine and look forward to when you see that precious ( or in your case THOSE precious) faces again after work! Love, Becky
it just makes me so sad that all of you in the states get such short maternity leaves! here in canada we get 12 months! praying for you as you make this transition!
I remember the last days of maternity leave very well...they were so hard at first. I've met many moms, both working full-time and SAHM, that tell me part-time is the best of both worlds....and they are right. The days ahead get only better and better!!!!
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