Sunday, May 8, 2011

"Are you a mother?"

I couldn't believe I had almost let the words slip off my tongue.

There I sat, at work, chatting with a patient while we waited for orders from the physician. I was scanning my brain for things to make polite conversation about to pass the time, and remembered it was Mother's Day this Sunday, and nearly asked her that heavy question.

I caught myself before those words poured out, and instead asked simply if she had any plans this weekend.

She went on to answer my question, and the whole time she was talking I listened, but was in disbelief that I had almost done such a thing. Had I forgotten???? Had I forgotten how such a small, seemingly insignificant question can be salt in a wound? Had I forgotten what it can be like to be on the other end of that question, stammering for a response while trying to bite back tears?

No. I had not forgotten. I have not forgotten. I had just been flippant in the moment.

I know this to be true, because I really believe I will never forget. And I thank God for that, really, because it keeps me on my knees for so many who are still waiting. It keeps me patient (or perhaps, at least a measure more patient) than I would have been in trying moments of parenting. It keeps me grateful for all that I have been given.

Mother's Day can be a hard day for many, many people. Those who have lost their mother. Those who are estranged from their mothers - or mothers from their children. Those who have lost their children. And those who are waiting, still, for their children.

I can close my eyes and remember how hard this day used to be for me.

Two years ago, I wrote this post. And as I reread it tonight, tears streamed down my cheeks. I remember.

And in that post, I mentioned that we had been referred to a specialist. And several of you commented that you would be in prayer for us, and said something to the effect of "you never know what next Mother's Day might look like..."

And by the next Mother's Day, things were QUITE different in my world.

Thanks be to God.

I thought a lot today. I thought about my life. Seasons. God's timing. Blessings. Trials. Answered prayers. I thought about all my friends who are hurting today. I found myself thinking about last Sunday, when I dressed my daughter in this adorable pink dress...

I thought about this girl and this post. And I thought about what I always think about when I dress one of my babies in an outfit I purchased long before they were conceived...about a future time when I recall to them how special it was to finally put them in these outfits, and they ask me why I continued to collect baby things for so long, even though there was such a question as to if I would ever get to use them. In that moment, I picture myself cupping their precious chin in my hands, looking them deep in the eye, and saying "because I knew you were coming".

To those of you out there waiting today, keep the Faith.


amy (metz) walker said...

Seriously, this made me cry...I, too, hope I never, ever forget or become flippant. Thank you for thinking of me, your encouragement over the years, your prayers...

Vanessa's Dad said...

At our Community Group and also during the sermon message this Mother's Day, there came comments in the Mother's Day well-wishing... comments as if folks had read your posts, now and in the past... comments that recognized that Mother's Day is not so straight-forward and simply wonderful as many would think. I pray that we are all getting more wise and more sensitive.

Your blog has been an inspiration and enlightenment for years. I still remember your reference to the "The Wait Poem" and how poignant it was for you.

Praise be to God who is the God of Love and Hope and Redemption... the God of second chances, and third chances... the God who never gives up... never let's go.


nbrown said...

Well great, you made me cry.

I love you.

Aunt Carol said...

Happy Mothers' Day, Kendra. I'm so glad those are happy words for you now.

Love, Aunt Carol

Linda Lee Brown Ayers said...

Ok, I've stopped tearing enough to type this. What an amazing post. I loved reading back over the past two years also. You are such a gifted writer!
Someday you may understand why God allowed you to go through all that.
I'm sure your post today helped to heal someone's hole in her heart at least a bit.
Before you had shared with me about "are you a mother?" comments, I used to always ask that more! Most women will share about their kids naturally.

Heather said...

Amen and Amen. Couldn't have said it better. May God continue to bless you and your sweet blessings!!

Sarah said...

Beautiful post from a beautiful mommy. Happy Mother's Day!

Lacy said...

I could SOO relate to this post Kendra!!!! I too have found myself almost asking someone if they had kids and then stopping short mad at myself!! We both have so much to be thankful for this Mother's Day!