Wednesday, October 6, 2010

On my mind...

I suppose you could call this Kendra's version of MckMama's "Stream of consciousness"

- Fall is officially here. The last two mornings we have turned on the heat in the house when we have gotten up, and baby hats and blankets were required on Momma's run yesterday.

- We finally have decided to paint some walls in our house. It was never our intention to leave every wall white in the first home we've ever owned, but we closed and moved in exactly one month before Luke and Abbey came, and exactly three days before my blood pressure rose (can't imagine why...) and I was put on bedrest. And since then, well, we've been just a tad busy. Anyways, it's been fun to pick out colors and continue to make this house our home.

- a rrrr s2 Vt YXTX4 HCCMMZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (that was from Lucas, he is sitting on my lap as I type)

-Napping boot camp is officially over in our house. We tried, and failed, to institute napping times (9am, 1pm, and 4pm) each day for a few days. And each day we ended up with over tired, cranky, fussy babies who napped really poorly, and over tired, cranky, fussy parents who decided this was just not what was best for any of us. For some babies, it does work. For ours, it only worked one day. Our babies need their naps when they are tired, and no later. Especially Luke. If you miss his tired cues, and that "window", you end up with a fusssssyyyyy baby who will only nap about 20 minutes and wake up crying. So it's back to a more baby-led schedule for our days.

-My babies are over six months old. They have been with us - outside of my body- for over half a year now. How is this possible? Often it still doesn't feel real to me. I sit and try and figure out why, and I usually come to the same two conclusions. First, I don't mean to sound dramatic, but our delivery was so shocking and I was so out of it for so long after that I don't think I have processed completely that that all actually happened to me. I can remember bits and pieces, but it feels like someone else's memories. It's as if because I wasn't fully present, it didn't really happen. I keep a picture, this picture...

...on my bedside table. Every once in awhile I need to just look at it and reconnect with her. I knew how to be her. It's not that I long to be her again, it's just that that's the last time I felt like...Kendra. I am trying to process how I got from there to's all been a bit of a blur =). Motherhood is all so new to me. I really am enjoying it, but it's outside of what I know...which to be honest has surprised me. I babysat and nannied and taught preschool, but none - read NONE - of those things fully prepared me for having my own babies. My abilities to command the attention of 15 4&5 years olds means nothing when both my babies need my full attention at the same time and I am running on 4 1/2 hours sleep. My body feels totally foreign to me. It's so out of shape and still carrying around lingering (and stubborn) baby weight. And my mind...well, it's often cluttered. Interrupted sleep will do that to you. I am not complaining, just being honest. I never felt more like myself than when I was pregnant, and I have been trying to find my footing -my self- again ever since. My new self. My Momma self.
That leads to the other conclusion I usually come to. I often feel under qualified to be raising these babies. I am self-conscious about that sometimes, which leads me to wonder if someone else isn't going to catch on to the fact that I am really just wingin' this motherhood thing and say "who let you have babies?" and take them away. I am not literally afraid of someone taking them away, its just...amusing...??? me that God let me have twins.

-Today I was filled with the strongest desire I have ever felt to just hold both my babies at the same time, and stay close with them. I don't know if it was reliving so much of our journey to them for This post, or if it was Stephanie's post from today. Whatever it was, so overcome by the need to embrace them both was I, that I concocted this...

Impressed? Me too.

(The funny part was I spent way more time checking and rechecking to make sure every strap, button, snap and limb was in place than we actually did walking around.)

- And lastly, Friday night my sister Natalie brought over the documentary "Babies". Have you seen it? Fascinating. I have been thinking about different cultures and the way we raise babies ever since. For instance, we here in America are soooo worried about statistics and milestones being met by certain times. Take "Tummy Time" for instance. The recommended amount varies, but all peds and parents here alike agree it's essential for learning to crawl/walk. And in this film you see the baby in Mongolia lay flat on his back scene after scene after scene. And yet -spoiler alert- he too, walks in the end. Don't get me wrong, I make sure my little one's have plenty of tummy just makes ya think.

And with that, I'll sign off now. Happy Wednesday all.


Stephanie said...

I think every mom feels like she's winging it with her first child (or children). I can't tell you how many times I would figure out something that first year and think, how in the world was I supposed to know that? And in some ways they will always be your guinea pigs, because whatever stage they are in, it will be the first time you've ever had to deal with that stage.

Also, how did you wear two baby carriers without choking yourself? I'm so impressed. =)

I'm also impressed that you felt like yourself when you were pregnant. For me, that feeling - I'm not sure how to describe it, but I know what you mean - starts when I'm pregnant (like now, for me) and won't completely go away until my baby is 8-9 months old. I seem to hit a stride sometime around then. But I can't really think or do anything outside of the world of babies for the whole first year. They are so sweet at the age they are right now, but they also need every ounce of your mental and physical energy. For me, I just never quite feel like I have my footing when I'm in the stage you're in.

All that to say, I hear ya.

Vanessa's Dad said...

Yep, yep. U R winging it. welcome to parenthood. We winged it with you, and you turned out wonderful!


Linda Lee Brown Ayers said...

Tummy Time...I chuckle at that phrase. I didn't know what it was until Sarah had Lydialee and she explained that because babies sleep on their backs it is important to get them on their tummies. Your generation used to spend a great deal of time on your tummies so it wasn't something we needed to plan for.....and, alas, everyone walks in the end.
I love you,

Aunt Carol said...

Luke and Abbey could not have better parents - first time or any other time.

Love, Aunt Carol

Melissa said...

i just stumbled across your blog, and was reading this post just shaking my head! i agreed with EVERYTHING! HA! I have twin boys, and everyone was so "certain" that they needed a set nap schedule. Well it didnt happen with us oh till about 9 months(ish)!
And i also find my self going in their rooms at night and think, am I doing this parenting thing right? And then pray to God that I am! ha! then in the same thought, why did HE give ME twins? on the first go around! HA!! But now they are 18 months old and I love every single minute with them, as i always have, but now they are soo soo much fun! But i also have said that every age they have ever been at!

Queen Bee said...

Set nap time? I am so far away from that. My little one is just 3 weeks and I too feel like I am winging it. The nights are the worst. i can muddle through the day, but night time is tough! I question how people do this, but also know that they do and the human race continues. My awe and appreciation of moms has increased 100 X. It is hard, but amazing at the same time. I have followed your journey for some time and you are a good mom! You have longed for these babies and I can tell how much you love them.
Love the double harness! Don't know if my poor back could take it...

BB said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I so hear you about the naps! My twins are the exact twin copy of yours! We have to go by their cues... and no strict scheduled implemented by Mommy works! I wish it was more predictable... but I am more accepting of the fact that they are two distinct individuals with their own personalities, and I can't forcefully try to put them on a book'ish schedule!

I saw the Bob's stroller in one of your earlier post. Got any reviews? We are planning on buying one (still using double snap and go).

The Branches said...

how in the WORLD did you strap those on like that! Girl you are so silly! I constantly checked the straps with just always freaked me out! I want to see Babies too..I'll have to add it to my Netflix :) Hope you are having a great weekend! <3 Becky

Kristin said...

I just jumped over to your blog from my stats page. Your twins are cuter than cute! Having twins is such a blast! It just gets better and better.
I am seriously amazed at this double bjorn-ing that you have going on! Way to go, you. Can't wait to see more from you guys!